The Bryooom of the Kick

​I’ve been working on the front thrust kick for about a month now. I definitely have a lot more questions than I’m asking, but I’m trying to figure things out on my own a little bit so my questions are more comprehensive. 

My focus has been on separating the hips in which the technique generates vs the energy. Or at least, feeling a difference. It’s been a lot of optometrist-style trial and error lately; I still don’t know what feels right, but I absolutely feel a difference when I focus on aligning my shoulders and hips on my strikes. 

It’s almost as if the transfer of energy becomes more simultaneous - I feel a momentary delay when my kicks land in my normal fashion. Like, a fraction of a second where the power doesn’t transfer through the kick. That fraction seems to be reduced exponentially when working on adjusting my hips and shoulders. Is this part of my harmonies?

I thought my physical six harmonies were much more... obvious. This was an issue I’ve had with Tai Chi; there’s a lot of subtle movements I do not register. What I thought was the proper alignment of my harmonies in a kick may only actually be 1/2 of the way there. It’s exciting! 

Silver Linings

I’ve been struggling to write a blog about my injury for, well, a long time. Since it started bugging me, I guess. And that was in the middle of summer. It’s one of those things where something seems to change every few days, and my views on one day are totally different than they are from a few days earlier. I’ve been frustrated with a lot, but here’s a few of my silver linings.  

I think, for the first time ever, I have questions. I think an injury has the ability to greatly increase a persons eye for detail; at full health, things come super easy. A good example of this is slipping (ie slipping away from a punch), which is something we’ve done a lot of in the Sanda seminar. I’ve come to realize that I usually slip with my upper body (above my waist level); it originated from my lower back. Or at the very least, it was hybridized. Slightly enough that it wasn’t noticeable, but enough to take away my effectiveness. Now, when I try to slip that way, it hurts my back. This helped generate a question about proper slipping technique, which got me an answer that clicked a lot of things together that I didn’t even realize could go together.  

I can try and chalk this notice up to eye for detail, but in reality, my body did most of the work. We always talk about “listening to our bodies”; I think that’s easier for me to do when my body is screaming at me (who would have thought?). However, because I had this laid out so clearly for me by my body, I was actually able to make the connections and learn something. If I was healthy, I probably never would have reached that point. 

This seems like a good spot to include a few pieces of guidance I’ve received from some of the master instructors over the last few months. The first is to not be afraid to modify techniques if I can’t do them properly, but always be conscious of the modification and visualize the proper technique. In essence, one of the many manifestations of mindfulness in repetitions. This has been instrumental for my development in Tai Chi; there are techniques I was finally figuring out how to do properly, but I no longer can do without bothering my back. Instead of losing this progress, I am gaining through the mindful repetitions. Another guidance I received was to, in essence, work backwards, make connections; what am I doing that makes things sore or uncomfortable, and what am I doing in everything that leads up to it. It’s hard to put to words in the way I was told, but that’s the essence of it. 

What Am I Thinking?

I’ve been struggling with my blogs lately. It’s been a little over a month since my last post, and it’s not like I haven’t had anything to write. I’ve actually had so much I’ve written and that I’ve been able to write about, I just haven’t been able to post anything. I struggle with online communication, for sure. Anyone who has seen my phone can vouch that at any time I have over 200 unopened messages, 20 missed calls, stuff like that. That said, I don’t fully miss things that often. I’ve read nearly every blog posted this year; it can be difficult for me to do things as simple as react or comment, however. I suppose this manifests itself in doing harm to the team as a byproduct of my struggles. It hurts me that I seem to struggle more than not. This year has had a huge focus on recovery and consistency, but it hasn’t been perfect. This last month especially, I’ve been working at a solid 35-40%. It’s not super, but it’s still progress over the day-by-day “one days he’s at 10%, the next he’s at 90%, then he’s back at 10%” kinda approach I had before. 

I’ve been thinking about the IHC next year. I’ve got a lot of mixed feelings; I had already submitted my goals and gotten them thumbs-upped and discussed, so obviously my intention was to be a part of the team. The more I think about it, however, the more I realize that I don’t think I need to join the team next year. 

Like I said, I already have my personal goals set out (which are developments of my personal goals from this past year). I fully intend on continuing my physical numbers, creating my sword forms, writing my blogs, doing my gratitude, and everything else I’ve been doing, whether or not I join the team. As far as falling off the wagon goes, I’m not worried about that too much either. I’ve had a one-on-one every week for the past year or so now. I don’t plan on changing that; I’ve gained a lot from my one-on-ones. I get the opportunity to have flowing conversations with the master instructors that I gain more out of as opposed to simply asking a question and having it answered. There are so many things ive learnt about this past year simply because we talk freely (this is a reminder to book one on ones!). I also get the opportunity to sneak into the Kwoon on my own once or twice a week to practice; I don’t plan on changing that either. I cherish the opportunities to practice uninhibited, to vacuum the Kwoon when I get the chances, and to work with the individuals who have been joining me (thank you!). 

Overall, there has been a lot of talk about the change that is happening and the good the change brings, but I don’t think that’s how I want to phrase it. I don’t think anything’s going to change for me, per se. Things will continue to improve and grow and my progress will continue to blaze forward, but I don’t think “change” is quite the right word. Because of all of this, I’m leaning more and more towards not reapplying to join the team next year; I have everything I need to be successful on my own. 

I might still be struggling often, but i won’t let that take away from me recognizing my successes and what I have built with the IHC. While I enjoy being on the team, I genuinely don’t think my year will be any different whether I choose to join it or not. 

I might try to post some of the blogs I’ve written over the last month during this next week, but they’re pretty jumbled thoughts so I might need to edit here and there. I’m more so musing at this point?

A Collection of Yesterdays Thoughts

Saturday went as well as I could have hoped. I messed up one of my forms a little bit and my other form a lot bit, but I still pushed through and did the best I could to convince the audience I knew what I was doing. I know what went wrong with each of my forms, and it’s something I can take into account for the future. 

I am grateful for the opportunity I had to be a part of the dragon. While I intend to maintain my commitment to the lion, maybe I should sub in to whatever spots I can for the dragon more and gain more familiarity with it, shake off all the rust and what not. I am very impressed with the current team and what they are capable of, especially with how quickly put-together everything felt. 

This dance was a good reminder to me of some of the beliefs I have that had slipped into the corners of my mind. It helped me remember that I fully believe there is no one spot on the dragon that is more important or more difficult than another; while certain sections (such as head and tail) seem more pivotal, every piece has a responsibility and a duty to fulfill, and the requirements for the pieces vary significantly the further you go down the line. Moves like the triangle are only possible when EVERY piece pulls off what they need to do; if one piece has the ability to throw everything off like that, I believe it makes them very important. 

Another thought I had was that my lion tail philosophy (“invisibility through increased visibility”) is rooted in the dragon. The more you shimmer the dragon, the more you move your feet, the more you exert, the less visible you as a person are. However, like the lion, this needs to be done in moderation and unity. If you’re the only person adding that extra flair, you become much more visible to the audience.

Over the years, with both the lion and the dragon, I have begun to put a lot of value on the idea that “no one spot is more important  than another”. I recognize some spots may be more necessary than another, but I think every position has an unparalleled importance. Every spot on the dragon, both head and tail in the lion, the Buddha, the drum, it’s all essential and I believe in performing in such a way that expresses it. It’s been a big area of study the last few years and I am grateful for it.  

Ingrained Muscle Memory

Over the last week, Sihing Burke and I have started working on the head stack with the lion. I have now worked on this over the last two years with three different heads; despite this, there is not much change to “proper technique” or what I have to do as a tail (who would have thought). Something that has stood out to me during this practice is how involuntary muscle memory is. 

All of the proper stacking technique I established (but didn’t have the chance to ingrain) two years ago has vanished; but I’m aware of what needs to change. I didn’t even need to look at the videos we took to tell what I was doing wrong; I knew right away. It’s like when you throw a really bad kick and you’re like “oh yeah, I know exactly what went wrong”. It’s mostly timing issues too, stuff I hone with practice and repetition. The only issue is that making those adjustments and ingraining that muscle memory is a much more arduous process with a stack as opposed to a kick; I can throw more kicks in an hour than I can perform stacks in a year, it feels like. 

Another interesting realization for me along this topic came with the opportunity to help briefly with the dragon during practice Wednesday night. I was the tail of the dragon for about 3 years from 2015-2018, give or take. That was also a time where we did a lot of dragon practice; jumping into the tail on Wednesday after 7 years didn’t feel foreign at all. A lot of the subtle movements (what to move, where to move, when to move, how to move) came back super naturally. 

It was interesting to see how muscle memory came back for something I practiced for 3 years after a 7 year absence, over something I practiced for a few months over a year long absence. 

Hollow

These last two weeks have been pretty tough, especially on my mental state. That might seem strange, considering everything that has been on the go, but I think that everything on the go is the cause. I have had a lot of stress and emotions that have popped in and out these last two weeks. 

Back to school week had a lot of the usual hubbub and activity, but it left me feeling empty at the ends of the days. Like, I felt fulfilled doing the work I did, but I felt hollow after I had gone home every day. It was a big mix of isolation, regret, sadness, and frustration. I’ve been trying to determine what is causing these feelings, but addressing negative feelings, well, often begets more negative feelings. 

There’s also been a lot of anxiety and stress in my work and personal life lately. I’ve been losing sleep a lot more drastically and suddenly lately. This leads to headaches, fevers, foul moods, and funny enough, more negative emotions. 

I think the hardest thing right now is working on maintaining good health habits and pushing through this slump. I am really, really, REALLY struggling with pushing myself to get up and do a handful of pushups or sit-ups. I was able to get into the Kwoon and work on a few things over the weekend, but even in the Kwoon environment my efforts felt aimless and lacking mindfulness. 

To tally my successes, though, I recognize two fields I was able to get meaningful practice into. I did a lot of drumming this weekend, a lot of mental imagery of how the lion matches the drum. It helped me connect some dots on what I’ve been working on with the lion and the direction I need to go in. I also began playing a little with a weapon I intend for next year (it may seem like jumping the gun, but the change of pace definitely pulled me into a state that made it easier to do my current forms). I also recognize I need to practice a lot more in preparation for next years weapon, as I currently am thinking of doing an offhand sword form. I am excited for it. 

I guess that is the important part; being able to recognize the obstacles currently surrounding you, and adjusting your pace to accommodate for them.  

Lion Dance Championships

I took the opportunity to watch the adult division of the lion dance championships this weekend; I managed to catch 6/8 of the dances and figured I’d blog about it while it was still fresh, since I made a point of trying to take as little videos and notes as possible and trying to immerse myself in the moment. Here are some of my biggest take-aways / afterward notes. 

Disclaimer, I apologize for the length of the blog. It was a pretty big word dump as I went over my thoughts, and I didn’t do much editing since it’s serving as my notes. 

1) The emotions of the dancers. This is specific to the dancers themselves and the emotions I saw before and after they had danced. While I’ve definitely experienced frustration during practice, the performance of a dance has always been positive experiences. My experience with lion dancing has always been as an art and not as a sport. This, however, was lion dancing as a sport. Everyone performed spectacularly, but there were still mistakes. Some teams got docked up to nearly 1.5 points off of their total score. Some teams didn’t get any docks. As such, there was a high level of personal emotion. Happy tears amd upset tears, hugs and cheers, frustrated crouching and nervous preparing. It served as a good reminder to me to relish my own experiences and emotions. 

2) The size and coordination of the drumming / cymbal / gong team and the relationship between that team and the lion. There was almost always six people on the instrument side of things in the dances. With most of the dances, the “instrument team” was very animated. There were pauses, chants, and a lot of coordination that most of our dances don’t necessarily require. I think this contributed to how I perceived the music, which felt different in comparison to our dances. Our “organized freestyle” dance requires a partnership between the drum and the lion. Sometimes the drum cues, sometimes it’s the lion. In comparison, these structured dances had that subconscious feel that the drum was always consistent. To explain it a little better, it’s like you could feel that the drum wasn’t waiting for the lion to get ready, but rather that it was up to the lion to keep up. 

3) The responsibility of the tail! Of all the dances, there was only one where the tail danced in a similar fashion to how I dance. I had a few takeaways from this. The tail definitely felt like it had more responsibilities and roles in comparison to our dances. The movements of the head felt much quicker, snappier, and erratic in the tournament dances and the tails did a good job in keeping up. Maybe this comes down to how structured and practiced these dances are, that there is less reaction involved? But on top of that, there was a lot of stacking, volleying, and climbing on obstacles. While trying to keep up with the speed of the dance, the tails also seemed responsible for managing space while on the elevated platforms, keeping the head in bounds, and basically running point on like, everything. It seemed so busy! I think this pronounced itself in the deductions; I feel like at least 60-70% of the deductions made could be traced back to a mistake made by the tail. I think this is a good example of how important the tail actually is, especially when it may feel like the opposite in some of the dances we do. 

3.1) As a part two to the above point. I mentioned that one of the tails moved in a manner similar to me; with all of the responsibility the tail had to manage in the last point, being able to add extra energy and momentum to the tail is a huge task and I thought it was awesome to see. This was also the first time I saw a full dance with an “energetic tail” from the outside, close up, and in live time. My goal with animating the butt of the lion is to create invisibility through excess visibility; to give the tail enough movement that the lion looks more alive. Watching this performance, it helped me see the lines where too much movement does the opposite of my goal; you can reach a point where the energy of the tail ends up highlighting the stagnancy of the head, and that just defeats the point. There’s a lot more to consider than just shaking my butt!

4) The props. A lot of different props and items were used in the dances. I’ve seen a lot of our dances over the years, and I think we’ve used less props over the span of 12 years than each of these tournament dances used in a single dance. The props made a big impact in telling a story (which I won’t touch much on right now since that’s my next bullet), and as fun as it was, sometimes it felt excessive. Every dance used red benches and platforms to form various types of terrain, such as hills, bridges, and rocks. Nearly every dance also utilized a river in some way, which, when I asked Sifu Brinker about it, is an obstacle which represents a lions fear of water and its ability to overcome a challenge in pursuit of its goal. Some other props included a remote controlled spider, stuffed animals (like tigers and monkeys), small drums, the big lion-sized bottles of wine, and bamboo trees. One of my favourite uses of the props was using the bamboo trees as a way to hold something. Several lions used stacks to grab something out of a tree, and I thought this was a cool way of doing something like the lettuce. Oh, and one of the props was like a scroll, but it was a double sided lightsaber. So when the lion picked it up, it suddenly went foom! and then there were lightsabers coming out the sides of the lions mouth. So much fun!

 5) The stories and the creativity. I touched on it a lil in the props side of things, but there was obviously a lot of creativity that went into telling the stories that were told. Some of the stories included hunting a spider that scurried out from under a bridge, rescuing a baby monkey from a tree and returning it to its parent, and fighting a tiger. As an audience member with no context (the names of the dances weren’t even revealed until the dance had finished), I often understood a lot of what was happening. This was very heavily reliant on the prop use though, I think. The stories we tell, using little more beyond lions, dragons, and buddhas, might be more difficult for the audience to follow along / understand. We as the dancing team, however, know the story and what we are portraying, and that’s what counts. I definitely like that side of things. While the use of props is fun, some of the dances definitely felt… convoluted. With one of them, there were so many props and gimmicks that I lost track of what was happening (and then they pulled out a keyboard???). The old adage of “don’t lose sight of the simple things” definitely applies here, I think. Less is more, and all that. 

6) The judging. I talked a lot with Sifu Brinker about this during my Monday one on one. There were some things that totally caught me off guard. One example was the point docking that occurred during the intro / outros. As one team came onto stage, they scraped the ceiling with their flag. The dancers weren’t even in the lion yet, and there was already points being deducted. I definitely am not jealous about that side of things. It’s given me a little more appreciation for the free style we do. I think that room to breathe really gives dancers the ability to turn a dance into something a little more real? It’s hard to put to words. 

7) The adaptability. I know I said that everything needs to go perfect, but I think that makes the adaptability some of the dancers exhibit much more impressive. At one point, one of the teams ended up knocking a bridge bench off of its path. The gap between the two benches that they were using as a bridge nearly tripled in size. Despite this, they were still able to stack and land on the benches accurately. For how much the teams focus on perfecting what they do, I was wondering how they would respond to something drastic that happened. And it worked well! Our freestyle dance requires the ability to adapt to what’s around you, although the stakes do feel a lot lower. 

8) The stacks. The stacks were obviously a huge part of the dances, and they were super impressive too. Head stacks, volleys, single leg stacks, all that stuff. One of the stacks I noted was a type of volley that was similar to what we had done a few years ago, which involved a rotation once at the apex of the stack. This stack that was done had the lions do a headstack, and then the head kept their legs together, put them over the tails shoulders, and slipped down their back while the tail did a sharp turn. It basically made for a very sharp 180 degree turn. It seems doable? I want to toy with the idea a little bit. Another stack that I always find fascinating is, from a headstack, the head wraps their feet around the tails back and the tail bows forward. This is best used to make the lion look like it’s drinking from a river or some other water source. I can’t even imagine the core strength necessary! 

9) The emotions of the lions. The dancers were very good at portraying different emotions in their lions, but the one that stood out the most I think was fear. At various points, when a dancer wanted to portray fear and the courage that follows it, they did so very well. Like, the whole lion would tremble, from the top of the head to the bottom of the feet. There were also really good portrayals of some standard emotions, like happy, sad, and mad. 

I have like 4 other points, but I’ve been writing this blog for days and just want to get it out ar this point, so maybe part 2 to come?

Growing Past The Jack

This weekend, I’ve made a lot of reflections on the meaning of the IHC team; what it stands for, what it represents, what I gain from it, what I expect from it, all that fun stuff. Through perspective gained via recent one-on-ones, I made a few realizations. 

For the majority of my life, I think I've pretty much excelled as a “jack of all trades” type. When it came to sports or academics, I was never the best at anything, but I was always decent at everything (or at the very least, almost everything). That’s kinda how it’s always been; I like things being well-rounded.

The same can be said for my Kung Fu, I think. As an instructor, a member of the lion/dragon dance team, an IHC member, or a student, I’ve always identified myself as a “jack of all trades”. My goal to support those around me was to let my peers settle into their strengths and fit myself into the gaps that get left behind. This was how I considered myself to be reliable and dependable. This is important to me. 

However, the full saying is “jack of all trades, master of none”. I’m not sure why I’ve never made this connection before, but doesn’t it seem counterintuitive to effectively describe myself as a “master of none” whilst being a member of a team dedicated to mastery? 

Another realization occurred when playing a very simple combat game on the Nintendo switch. For games with strategy or stat building, I’ve always like to round myself out. This time, to change it up, I figured I’d pour everything into only a handful of skills and go from there. I ended up losing. A lot. It was too hard. It was too much of a challenge. Yet I see people play this way and make it work. Are they just inherently better than me?

They are not. They are, however, more committed than I am. I gave up when the challenge became, well, challenging. I slipped back into my comfort zone. It was easier just to do it my way. 

The IHC is not a place for dwelling in comfort zones, though. Being a jack of all trades is convenient when it comes to avoiding dedicated improvement. It’s essentially settling for an all-around “good enough”. It’s essentially settling for mediocrity. The IHC is not a place for growing mediocrity. 

I still value and appreciate my role in filling in the spaces and supporting those around me. I don’t plan on letting that go. I do plan on developing a handful of my abilities, however. Committing more energy to what I care about and what makes me happy rather than every little thing I can think of. This list includes the tail of the lion, snake style, my sword style, and my punches. I am looking forward to seeing what I can accomplish when I take on these challenges. 

July Lessons

This month kinda whirred right past me, if I’m being honest. Like, before I knew it, bam. August. Blogging got away on me too. I’ve been working on some blogs that I have good ideas for, but my brain isn’t producing the words I want it to, yknow? So I figured I would share some progress updates and gratitudes from the last month. 

Work has been tough; it feels like I haven’t done much which isn’t really okay. I kinda got stuck in a “goofy loop” where I wasn’t able to get any traction with my caseload. That said, I also have been trying to recognize what I HAVE done. I took close to half of the month off, and in that time I’ve made good progress on a few files. Since I still expect more from myself, Ive been using the positive feelings and motivation as much as I can to kickstart the stuff I really don’t feel like doing. 

Kung Fu has been good. I’ve gotten to do a lot of lion dancing work; coming up with new moves and techniques has been a lot of fun and it’s given me a lot of motivation to be on the mats. I’ve also had a lot of breakthrough progress with Tai Chi, and I continue to come into my own. I’ve also had the chance to return to instructing a few times, which has been a gratifying experience. 

I’ve been struggling with a lower back injury that I believe I sustained a little under 2 years ago. It’s one of those things where, when it first occurred, I was in a lot of pain but was able to stretch it and nurse it back within a few weeks. After that, however, I’ve gradually experienced more pain whenever I engage in activities which activate the lumbar. While I have been really focusing on stretches and posture, I feel the next steps are to see a professional; the setback I’m experiencing is that I really struggle with the whole “being touched in a vulnerable state by a person I don’t know or trust” type thing. Like, extraordinarily so. This is something I’ve been slowly progressing on. 

I also found out that a teacher of mine from high school passed away a week ago. I wouldn’t say I got along with this teacher; in fact, I recognize that I was an absolute nightmare. I did a lot of coasting and clowning around in high school (which I’m not overly proud of). With reflection, I realize that by no means did I improve this persons life; rather, I made it needlessly more difficult. There is regret and a good bit of shame in that. Moreover, I’m disappointed in myself that it required someone passing for me to make this kind of reflection. Growth is a fickle thing, I suppose. 

A few more updates I can right about, but I’ll save em as a backup idea if I can’t seem to write another blog. 

Acts of Gratitude

As far as our numerical requirements go, acts of kindness have been one of the easier numbers for me to stay on top of. My approach for these has been to reflect on them before bed; to take an opportunity after everything else is done to reflect on my day and find those little moments where I contributed to making the world a wee bit of a better place. I like to try and find five. 

However, it’s not always easy to find five. There are days where I am not in it. You know, those “lazy days”. Never leave the house, most of the time in my room, not a lot of food and water or activity, those type of days. I have them more than I care to admit. Heck, I like them more than I care to admit. I like to be lazy; it’s easy to be lazy. However, you don’t need to be a therapist to determine that these “lazy days” are nothing but detrimental to my mental health. And once upon a time, not so long ago, I was fine with that. 

At the end of these days, I don’t really have much I could come up with for AoK. At some point, the more normal it became to do this end of day review, the more I started feeling guilty about it. It’s been motivating me to try and not rot all day, yknow? Which is important, I think, because I really needed something which naturally motivates me; that doesn’t feel forced. 

Part of this shift in perspective comes from the shift in how I’ve been viewing my AoK. Starting a few months ago, I’ve been treating it as a gratitude exercise. For example, a few weeks ago, I was at a restaurant that didn’t have mobility assistance on the doors. An older couple goes to leave, with the man pushing his partner on her wheelchair, trying to figure out how to get through the door. I get up, I help them through the doors, help them to their car, they go on their way. Act of kindness, boom. But instead of viewing it simply as such, I took the approach of “I am grateful I was able to help these people. It could have been anyone, but it also could have been no one, and as such, I am grateful I was where I was when I was, and that I had the chance to be kind”. 

It’s crazy how powerful this change of perspective has been on me. For one, it has made me a lot more conscious (and grateful) of the kindness that is offered towards me. On top of my own five AoKs that I reflect upon, I have included five AoKs that have been directed towards me by other people. “This stranger did this for me, and this stranger did this, and this stranger did this, and for all of these things I am grateful for these people”. This approach has made me extremely more appreciative towards these gestures, and also more aware of the areas in my life I can improve in such a way that gives back, if that makes sense?

I’ve also become more grateful for a lot of simpler things that I maybe take for granted. When I am grateful I had the opportunity to improve someone’s life, even if only for a moment, it ripples into everything necessary for it to happen. “I am grateful I got to hold this door open” turns into “I am grateful I was invited out to supper, I am grateful for the friends who invite me out to supper, I am grateful for opportunities that let me become friends with these individuals” all the way down to the base of “I am grateful I am alive today”. 

I am grateful I am alive today.

I need that. I need that mindset. That simple, basic mindset is the difference between me allowing myself to waste away versus me forcing myself to go outside, go for a walk, go to a movie, enjoy the sun, and live a little bit of life.

There is more I can add to this but it’s already a short novel, so I’ll likely be doing a part two sometime in the future. To end it, I am grateful for gratitude. And for all of you, if you didn’t know :)

Help Wanted

Something I’ve been missing more and more is lion dancing. Two of my favourite roles in the lion dance are the drum and the tail, and I’ve been working on them as much as I can on my own. Drumming is easy enough to practice on my own, but practicing the tail is trickier. 

I like the tail for how underrated it is. I think the tail is really important and can offer a lot to the dance outside of just matching the head. I like being invisible by doing more, I guess. When cats or other animals play and react, they move with their whole body. As such, I like giving the WHOLE lion a personality, since cats don’t react with just their faces, you know?

With that, this is a request for help. If anyone wants to practice being a head or work on parts of a dance, please reach out. Whether you have experience or not, I’d like to work with as many people as I can. I want to work on everything I can, from the fundamentals of the dance to things like stacks and rolls; so whatever you want to work on, please reach out!

Que Será, Será

I am having some issues with blogs right now. Like every idea I try to produce ends up only half finished, and I’m not sure where to take them? That’s pretty representative of how I’m feeling lately. Like things are all sorta thought out, but I can’t really put anything together or see anything through. There has been a lot of hesitation with my approach to, well, everything. Like I’m afraid to committing to one singular approach or ending, so rather I’m just leaving things unfinished (which is no way to do things either). It’s caused me a lot of stress over things like whether I’m capable of returning to kids classes or to lion dancing, to planning a cross-seas trip, to committing to projects, to working, to trying to take care of myself, to every little thing. Everything can go wrong. What if everything goes wrong?

I’m not one to believe in universal signs or anything like that, but I had a pretty weird week. I saw / heard the phrase “Que sera sera” like, everywhere. Song on the radio, poem of the day subscriptions, quotes in tv shows, it was everywhere. Like I kid you not, I counted over 10 separate, unrelated occurrences in which I experienced it over the last 7 days. As stubborn as I am, when something gets shoved in my face that much, it’s pretty hard to ignore. “Whatever will be, will be”. I’m also pretty sure that that’s the answer to what I’ve been struggling with lately. 

This is something I’ve had to remind myself of time and time again. I’ve blogged about this idea before, as well. What always helps me get through these periods of uncertainty is watching the stars. The coolest thing about star watching (for me) is that, across a seemingly infinite amount of space and vastness, I am so microscopically small yet everything is connected through me all at the same time. My line of sight acts as a nexus that connects galaxies and universes. I am significant. And yet, my incorrect decisions do not impact that phenomenon of space. At the end of the day, no matter what mistakes I make, those stars will still be in the sky. It will still all be okay. I am significant yet equally insignificant. Alas; whatever will be, will be. 

Confidence in One’s Abilities

I had three goals for this years Tiger Challenge. More of 3 priorities, even. In order, they were as follows 

1. I’ll compete in each of my events without withdrawing
2. I’ll be where I’m needed
3. Enjoy myself 

So with that said; I competed in my events, I was where I needed to be, and I didn’t cry, so I think I can write this year off as a roaring success. This was huge for two separate reasons. 

First was my performance (or lack thereof) last year. I competed in less than half of the events that I had signed up for before experiencing what my doctor surmised could have been a minor hypoglycaemic seizure. I has returned from my Ottawa training literally days before the tournament and to put it bluntly, that trip didn’t see a very healthy food-to-alcohol balance. I also didn’t eat that day and, in typical Simon fashion, pushed myself way too hard. On top of all that, I was dealing with worsening depression and anxiety along with the guilt and perceived isolation of feeling like I had to lie and hide it from the people who were closest to me at the time (I’m sorry).  A boiling point of long term depletion of glycogen and an onset of heavy physical and mental stress; it was too much for my mind and body to handle. I wanted to do better this year. I had to better this year. 

Or so I thought. 

The reality is, I was pretty much writing off the Tiger Challenge a couple months ago. I didn’t think it would be possible for me to compete, judge, or even breath if I was in that atmosphere. I felt like I was, once again, at rock bottom; how could I do better this year if I didn’t even have the motivation to try and be just okay, let alone better? One morning, several months ago, I came to the realization I had to do one of the following two things:

Make a simple list of goals to accomplish during the Tiger Challenge or plan an elaborate scheme which involved me conveniently being out of the country for the timeframe spanning the Tiger Challenge and the parade (because if I was missing one, I might as well go all in). Alas, I made the list (it took less planning) (Sifu Rybak was also consistently reminding me not to run away from Kung Fu). 

I actually put some thought into the list. Originally it was in reverse-order; enjoy myself then be where I’m needed then complete my events. And that was the plan up until like, literally 72 hours ago? I was so intent on hyping myself up to try and enjoy myself I feel like I lost sight of everything I gained leading up to the event. I was already enjoying myself again; the hours my fight choreo team spent on weekends and the time I spent after classes w Sihing Lindstrom were huge. I was laughing and having fun and I thought, why stress it? So I flipped priorities. 

I paced myself so I could do my events, and I went where I needed to be. I was super thankful for my opportunity to judge the level 2 adult events and about half of the black belt events. It gave me reassurance in my decision making abilities and confidence in who I am. This was the second big thing I gained. I felt a part of me I haven’t felt in, well, a long time. Not a part driven by a need for recognition or ego but more a part of me that’s happy just to be doing what I do. I’m so grateful. 

Tiring

The series of blogs I’ve been doing lately (the last two and the next couple) are focusing on my insecurities and other triggers, in an effort to identify and analyze them. My hope is to be able to use my blogs as a way to document what I am experiencing on the mats and how I am trying to overcome them, as well as opening the door for advice. They are very emotionally draining, though, and some may take me longer to write. This is a bit of a “break time” blog as I work on the next one. 

I really didn’t want to go to black belt class yesterday; I felt terrible and sick and just not okay. My cat and I took a nap at 5:30 (because I really wasn’t feeling like being awake and my cat wanted to cuddle so hey, two birds one stone), and I didn’t wake up until my dad called me at 7 asking if I was going to class with him. I said no. Eight minutes later I had dragged myself into the car. I made it to class and I took part in class, and I think that was pretty okay. I worry I didn’t retain what I needed to, but the fact that I still experienced it is better than the alternative. 

I’m thankful for the Tiger Challenge and for Sifu Rybaks ongoing support and encouragement because I probably wouldn’t have gone to class without them. My obligations to my partners really pushed me to show up, even if it wasn’t the easiest thing. I may need to find a new commitment once tiger challenge is over, but that’s a problem for later. My current goal is to submit my entry; I have tried thrice now to sign up but I can never seem to complete the application. I want to get that done by the end of today. 

I am also feeling a lot bit guilty over missing Tai Chi classes, but I am still focusing on my own practice and trying to get atleast 3 reps in during the week. I am working on my footwork and trying to apply what I have been given in previous parts. 

pt2

“The oldest scars run the deepest”

“You bring about your own greatest fears”

Thank you for everyone who has reached out over the last few days; it means a lot to me. The two quotes above are pertinent to what I have been feeling the last week. 

My mom kept a lot of stuff from when we were kids; we were sorting and clearing it out this week and I found lots of interesting things. There were lots of journals; lots of interesting things in them too. This was one of them.

Tuesday, October 19th, 2010

It can be scary to be left alone. 

That was all there was to it. I was eight when I wrote that; probably right around when I started Kung Fu, actually. I don’t know why I wrote it or what I was feeling when I wrote it. But I was right. It’s scary to be alone. “Old scars run deep”. I don’t think I would have ever admitted that today; that being alone is one of my greatest fears. I think I’ve always tried to bury it because I didn’t want it to be true? Like, it’s not cool to be afraid of being alone, yknow? Reading that little journal note took a toll on me. It made it real and I don’t think I was ready for that. Especially not in the state of mind I’ve been in lately; it made me reassess pretty much… everything I’ve done? It’s like everything that I’ve ever done, every decision I’ve made, I did it because I was afraid of being alone. Because I couldn’t admit that or acknowledge it. 

And yet I’ve gone and pushed myself away. Its not the first time I’ve done it; probably won’t be the last. “You bring about your own greatest fear”. It’s next to impossible for me to socialize. As a matter of fact, one of my personal goals this year is to have a “socialization event” atleast once a month. The criteria for that? Get out of the house, see someone, do something. Have I done that? So far. But like, literally the bare minimum. I’m not sure why this is; another talk to have with the counsellor, I guess. 

It’s like a “dehydration on a deserted island” predicament. There’s all the support and connection at the Kwoon and yet.. I’m scared of being alone. Like I haven’t earned my part on the team or I haven’t earned the connections that it provides and I’m pushing “aloneness” on myself as self sabotage. I imagine it comes down to perspective? I’m working on it. 

pt1

I haven’t been okay lately. For a long time now, it’s been getting bad again. But this last month especially. It’s been hard. At Thursdays meeting, I thought it was interesting how, when discussing priorities, it was said that sometimes we have to prioritize staying alive. Interesting in the fact that I described my current state of affairs that way only a couple days prior. 

I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety. With lacking motivation to do anything and the apathy of not caring how I have been deteriorating. I have been fighting and burning very precious energy to try and do the basics. It has been a lesson in mindfulness, if I need to find a silver lining. There have been times in my life where I’ve wondered how someone can be so oblivious to their own health and perceived appearance. Now, I find myself having to battle to shower, to eat properly, to take meds, to wash my hair, brush my teeth, to drink water, to go to work, to respond to texts, to care about my productivity, to walk upstairs, to get out of bed, to plug my phone in at night, to clean my car, to fill my car with gas, the list goes on. 

I’ve been largely unable to do basic human activity 101. Like having to do these things has become an insurmountable wall. I’m scared because it isn’t going away. I’m scared because there’s a piece of me buried deep down that doesn’t seem to care about being better. Like all I’m doing is faking it until I one day make it. Like I’m putting on this appearance of trying to get better but there’s a part of me deep inside that doesn’t actually care if I do or not and I don’t know how to fix that? It’s talk for the counsellor, I guess. 

My ability to focus on Kung Fu has been very limited lately. I haven’t been to my classes in about a month; I don’t know how I can go. I don’t know where to find the energy at the end of my day to even log in. It feels like an extra pile of guilt on top of everything. I have to remind myself of my circumstances It circles around to priorities, again. Staying alive is number one right now. It seems like a pretty trivial pursuit of mastery, but as frustrating as it is, I am recognizing that sometimes yesterdays 3% is today 90%. 

As far as Kung Fu goes, I’m not in a great place. Clearly, I’m not in a great place, period. But my numbers and IHC commitment has been lacking lately, and I apologize. My approach to mastery right now is finding a way to build enough baseline that I can start finding a way to building my numbers and martial prowess. It feels like a real 20 steps back but I’m realizing this is a result of neglect and blind progression on my part. 

All in the Wrists

I’ve always had a bit of a weird time with application vs form. Like, the whole concept of it never seemed to fully resonate? I think this is probably because I aim to keep my intent consistent with techniques. It’s a whole rabbit whole I’ll save for another blog though, I don’t really wanna get into it yet. 

Swordbreaker, however, very much draws a definitive line. Like my other techniques, my intent remains consistent between form and application, yet the lack of a physical barrier to stop the momentum of the weapon very much changes the style of how it manifests. Right now, in the form, I’m doing all these turns and flicks and spins and whacks because I’m a slave to the momentum of the weapon. None of this is extremely applicable though, I think. The swordbreaker, in application, would be very much “swoop, smack, next”, I think (application has yet to be field tested, if anyone has a sword they’re no longer attached to, feel free to reach out (just kidding (sorta…))). 

I’ve reached the same conclusion I have with my other swordbreaker-related ponderings; it comes down to how effectively you control the weapons momentum. I think this is true for both a form and an application, although it manifests just a little differently. 

I’ve noticed with my form that repeated consistent use of the weapon puts strain on my wrist. Which is saying something, because I have pretty flexible wrists. Over the last week or so, I have started using a wrist brace with my weapon. It’s a pretty simple solution, I’ll admit, but it appears to be effective. That little bit of extra support has made managing the momentum significantly less taxing on my wrist and easier in general. 

Another approach I am considering is wearing a gauntlet or something similar on my offhand. I intent to trial this out slowly with some old sparring gear first to see if it is feasible, but my train of logic is that I am not committing to my techniques because of the need to control the momentum via natural dissipation/the lack of a physical stopping barrier. If I provide myself with a surface that I can use as a hands-on approach to directly stopping the momentum (pun intended), my possibilities open up. And for those more concerned with my physical wellbeing more than I am, my intent is not to wear armour as the soles means of stopping my armour-breaking weapon. It’s more so, like an extra tool yknow? Cuz right now I’m stopping it with my bare hand occasionally and I can’t keep doing that.

Alas, sourcing a gauntlet might not be the easiest thing I’ve done, so if anyone knows a decent way to do so, please reach out (for reals this time). I’m not looking for anything fancy or elegant, just effective. 

Skriva i Svenska

As per one of my personal goals to blog in Swedish, here is part one. For anyone who tries to translate, I apologize if it doesn’t come through well; I wrote without my dictionary and had to use some basic / similar words to fill in a few gaps. I’ll be aiming on annotating and correcting at a later date as a learning exercise. 

Jag heter Simon, och jag bor i Kanada. Och ser du mig, jag skriver i Svenska! Jag önska gå till Sverige i kanske juni eller juli pä semester. Jag önska till besök Stockholm, Göteborg, och mer, jag tänka. Jag eftersökt gå till sedan jag var ett barn. 

Mitt mål är att skriva en blogg i Svenska i mars 2025 och januari 2026, ser till innan och efter av ett år av öva. Denna blogg är lilla, jag är ledsen. Men jag skriva det!

Sword-Breaker Progress

Below are the notes I’ve made for swordbreaker so far. I apologize for formatting glitches, this is copy and pasted from my notes and i don’t really know how to adjust it. “Researching” the weapon has felt necessary this go around. 

• Do not treat as straight sword; motions are more akin to a whip- (“hard whip” name makes more sense now). Note; movement sounds of strikes appear to be about 80% more similar to whip movement sounds over sword movement sounds. 
• Whipping motions appear to be weapons key asset. These motions build large amounts of momentum. 
• Using left hand as wedge against right hand and hilt when weapon is coming across body from right to left is an effective momentum killer. 
• Using a length of rope w a weighted end (short end section of rope dart, ex.) provides good tool for ensuring vectors are proper. Also provides inspiration if stuck. 
• VKR appears to be shaky in current style; visualizations do not seem convertible. 
• Tree branch visualization appears effective; similar properties? Centre visualizations on this. (Note; initial steps were effectively created under ankylosaurus visualization- can this be further adapted?) 
• Weapon should be kept very “one and done”, and is not optimal for a drawn out fight; speed is not your ally. 
• Weapon may be functionally similar to Kwan Do; observe more Kwan Do and see what sticks.
• Weapon is designed to be devastating against attempted parries; draw out parries.
• Use stabs**. Can effectively draw out parries and also provides an opportunity to control distance without sacrificing speed or needing to control momentum. 
• Against faster, more skilled opponents; deceit is a tool. Attempt to sell off swordbreaker as a regular sword (positioning, hiding blade, etc). 
• Weapon may be more suitable in a “battlefield” situation over a “dual” situation. Treat form accordingly. 
• Weapon movement sounds currently appear almost entirely offensive; as though all swings and strikes are intended to damage. Manage intent; focus on blocking moves and see if sound changes. Look for more dull sounds over lashing sounds. 
• Current effective approaches; starting off with a sword sound before letting the momentum transition into a whip sound. 
• Strikes to head or chest should be prioritized; focus on areas susceptible to blunt force trauma. 
• Weapon was intended to be used against armored opponents; approach form as such. Treat opponents as lightly armoured (quick but not fast). 
• Translation from baton does not appear practical; weapons contain too many variances- primarily weight. Sounds are too far apart. 
• Observe grip; hand slips gradually down hilt during a chained momentum combo. Pommel provides support, but shouldn’t be relied on. 
• Physics in the weapon? Increase in force/momentum by holding near bottom of hilt as opposed to top of hilt (~2”) appears more significant than w other weapons. Due to placement of weight / balance?
• Despite natural instinct that occurs due to the high weight, weapon appears to lose most functionality if operated with two hands (severely reduces whipping motion, weapons key asset)
• Weapons movement sounds appears to decrease following a contact intention, despite momentum still being carried for the next several second. Is it intent? But why? Listen to movement sound of right arm / weapon approximately 1 - 1.5 seconds before a momentum killer technique. (Note; if unable to find answer, look for similar techniques w other weapons that require momentum killers. What happens to the movement sound?)
• Stop hitting yourself in the shin; it hurts
• Identify purposes for serrations in bar; presumed purpose includes preventing opponent from grabbing bar. Can a technique be generated where serrations are used to rake? Visualize tree saw?
• Application of body techniques; weapon appears to keep body somewhat closed off. Can it be opened and are there moves that flow into unarmed strikes? Look for gaps in sound that may allow this. 

Numbers (last 7 days combined)

• Push-ups - 220
• Sit-ups - 160
• Weapon - 11
• Hand - 14
• AoK - 35
• KM - 8
• Sparring - 18

update

Not a lot of structure to this one, but I’m a few days late already  and have been really struggling with burnout / parlysis. Figured I’d get a post out anyways instead of waiting till I felt better. Since I posted just my numbers last time, I didn’t really want to do that twice in a row, so this is more of a ramble of what’s going on. Currently been working on a Swedish blog which will be posted in the next week or two, as per my personal requirements. Was a pretty rough week physically as well (illness), so numbers are a lot low. I’ve made some progress in swordbreaker, but Snake has felt pretty static otherwise; I’ve been focusing a little bit on the few moves I’ve got and doubting whether they work or not. This week, I’ve started writing a poem first thing after I get to work. I did it the first day as a jokey thing, but as I just wrote and rhymed what came to my head and what I was feeling, I realized it was pretty macabre. I figured I would try writing a few more based on what was floating around in my head, and force them to be a bit more positive. Positive vibes by proxy. Not sure how it’s working, only three days in. 

Numbers (Last Seven Days Combined)

Push-ups: 160

Sit-ups: 80

KM: 9

AoK: 35

Sparring: 10

Snake: 3

Swordbreaker: 4