Hollow

These last two weeks have been pretty tough, especially on my mental state. That might seem strange, considering everything that has been on the go, but I think that everything on the go is the cause. I have had a lot of stress and emotions that have popped in and out these last two weeks. 

Back to school week had a lot of the usual hubbub and activity, but it left me feeling empty at the ends of the days. Like, I felt fulfilled doing the work I did, but I felt hollow after I had gone home every day. It was a big mix of isolation, regret, sadness, and frustration. I’ve been trying to determine what is causing these feelings, but addressing negative feelings, well, often begets more negative feelings. 

There’s also been a lot of anxiety and stress in my work and personal life lately. I’ve been losing sleep a lot more drastically and suddenly lately. This leads to headaches, fevers, foul moods, and funny enough, more negative emotions. 

I think the hardest thing right now is working on maintaining good health habits and pushing through this slump. I am really, really, REALLY struggling with pushing myself to get up and do a handful of pushups or sit-ups. I was able to get into the Kwoon and work on a few things over the weekend, but even in the Kwoon environment my efforts felt aimless and lacking mindfulness. 

To tally my successes, though, I recognize two fields I was able to get meaningful practice into. I did a lot of drumming this weekend, a lot of mental imagery of how the lion matches the drum. It helped me connect some dots on what I’ve been working on with the lion and the direction I need to go in. I also began playing a little with a weapon I intend for next year (it may seem like jumping the gun, but the change of pace definitely pulled me into a state that made it easier to do my current forms). I also recognize I need to practice a lot more in preparation for next years weapon, as I currently am thinking of doing an offhand sword form. I am excited for it. 

I guess that is the important part; being able to recognize the obstacles currently surrounding you, and adjusting your pace to accommodate for them.