What Am I Thinking?

I’ve been struggling with my blogs lately. It’s been a little over a month since my last post, and it’s not like I haven’t had anything to write. I’ve actually had so much I’ve written and that I’ve been able to write about, I just haven’t been able to post anything. I struggle with online communication, for sure. Anyone who has seen my phone can vouch that at any time I have over 200 unopened messages, 20 missed calls, stuff like that. That said, I don’t fully miss things that often. I’ve read nearly every blog posted this year; it can be difficult for me to do things as simple as react or comment, however. I suppose this manifests itself in doing harm to the team as a byproduct of my struggles. It hurts me that I seem to struggle more than not. This year has had a huge focus on recovery and consistency, but it hasn’t been perfect. This last month especially, I’ve been working at a solid 35-40%. It’s not super, but it’s still progress over the day-by-day “one days he’s at 10%, the next he’s at 90%, then he’s back at 10%” kinda approach I had before. 

I’ve been thinking about the IHC next year. I’ve got a lot of mixed feelings; I had already submitted my goals and gotten them thumbs-upped and discussed, so obviously my intention was to be a part of the team. The more I think about it, however, the more I realize that I don’t think I need to join the team next year. 

Like I said, I already have my personal goals set out (which are developments of my personal goals from this past year). I fully intend on continuing my physical numbers, creating my sword forms, writing my blogs, doing my gratitude, and everything else I’ve been doing, whether or not I join the team. As far as falling off the wagon goes, I’m not worried about that too much either. I’ve had a one-on-one every week for the past year or so now. I don’t plan on changing that; I’ve gained a lot from my one-on-ones. I get the opportunity to have flowing conversations with the master instructors that I gain more out of as opposed to simply asking a question and having it answered. There are so many things ive learnt about this past year simply because we talk freely (this is a reminder to book one on ones!). I also get the opportunity to sneak into the Kwoon on my own once or twice a week to practice; I don’t plan on changing that either. I cherish the opportunities to practice uninhibited, to vacuum the Kwoon when I get the chances, and to work with the individuals who have been joining me (thank you!). 

Overall, there has been a lot of talk about the change that is happening and the good the change brings, but I don’t think that’s how I want to phrase it. I don’t think anything’s going to change for me, per se. Things will continue to improve and grow and my progress will continue to blaze forward, but I don’t think “change” is quite the right word. Because of all of this, I’m leaning more and more towards not reapplying to join the team next year; I have everything I need to be successful on my own. 

I might still be struggling often, but i won’t let that take away from me recognizing my successes and what I have built with the IHC. While I enjoy being on the team, I genuinely don’t think my year will be any different whether I choose to join it or not. 

I might try to post some of the blogs I’ve written over the last month during this next week, but they’re pretty jumbled thoughts so I might need to edit here and there. I’m more so musing at this point?