Styles and Languages, Intent and Lessons

I made a little realization over the last couple of weeks that contributes another brick to my understanding of intent. Spoiler alert, it’s another analogy. 

The word “the” is a really important word in our English dictionary. Some would argue that it’s of the biggest words. I would guess that we all say it atleast several times a day; how could we function without? I am currently learning Swedish and guess what? As far as I am aware, they don’t use the word “the”. 

In Swedish, the word “a / an” can be translated to “en / ett”. For example, “en hund” is “a dog”, and “ett hus” is “a house”. The intent of these words is referring to a random singular amongst many of one type of object. For example, “you can take a dog with you” hints that there are several dogs you can choose from. 

To say “the dog” or “the house” in Swedish, you move the “en / ett” from in front of the word to behind it and apart of it. These words become “hunden” and “huset”, respectively. At this point, I realized that a word does not need a direct translation; it’s the intent of the word that needs to be translated. “The dog” refers to one dog amongst the plenty; “hunden” refers to one dog amongst the plenty. 

I think this can be tied to my understanding of different styles of Kung Fu; sometimes I try to make a very straightforward connection or linkage. “How does this punch translate to something new” turns into me looking for some new punch, but in reality it’s the intent of the punch I should look for. 

I’m not sure if this makes a lot of sense, but it has helped me a lot with my understanding of both Tai Chi and Snake over the last few weeks. 

Numbers (Last 7 Days)

Pushups

62-62-62-62-62-62-62 (little bits of consistency!)

Sit-ups 

62-62-62-62-62-62-62 (more consistency!)

AOK 

5 a day  

KM

16 total per last 7 days 

Cycles

It’s been a long week. A friend passed away on my birthday this year, which was a pretty harsh experience. While I have been processing my emotions and grieving how I need to grieve, I’ve had a lot of time to be in my own head. To keep myself from spiralling too much, I’ve been trying to observe the world around me with a separate perspective. 

I was thinking that everything in this world belonged to a cycle. Cycles are everywhere, but I’ve realized that they aren’t a part of absolutely everything. It’s true that life is a cycle; we all start the same and end the same, and then it “repeats” in someone else. But what about a persons memories? I think memories you share with a person are “linear”; they’re singular. They don’t repeat. The memories that my friend and I shared between just us, even something as little as walking down the hall or sharing a quick joke during class, those exist only for me now. When I go, they’ll be gone forever. Never to be reproduced or reflected on again. 

It gives me a new appreciation to the alter and the meaning of it. Lessons and knowledge are memories; as such, they are, in their base form, singular. However, they possess the ability to become part of a cycle. We learn, we develop, we teach. Those we teach, they learn, they develop, and then they teach. Makes sense?

I am trying to focus on identifying those linear aspects of my life; those things that do not automatically belong to a cycle. For certain things, like knowledge and insights, I am trying to allow both my own and others the opportunity to become a part of a cycle. Yet other things, like those memories I shared with my friend, the beauty of them is that they don’t belong to a cycle. They are fleeting and temporary; as such, they have so much value.  

Full Cup Feelin Empty

Ive struggling with my “emotional cup” lately. I always blame the season but I think there’s always a multitude of reasons. The biggest thing is that I’ve been taking on too much in an attempt to try and keep myself busy so I can’t fall into a state of self sabotage, and that inevitably backfires when it burns me out. At the same time, it almost feels like the lesser of two evils at this moment. 

As I try to address a lot of my ego-based habits and training, it causes my insecurities and anxiety to flair up in my face. It’s a shame you can’t address these kinds of things without actually addressing them.. bummer. Anyhow, this creates a negative feedback loop which always kicks me in the butt. The problem is, I don’t have the courage to power through some of these things on my own, but I am also stuck in the mindset that I need to do this sort of stuff on my own. That it has to be done on my own. 

At the end of the day, I feel like I have only just started to find 70% Simon and I’m already losing that balance. It feels like everything I actively pursue, I push away. Like, by pursuing strength and resilience and fortitude, it floats further and further away. 

I realize I am rambling a bit, I apologize. I guess what I am trying to say is, right now I am tired and frustrated and annoyed and upset. That my Kung Fu isn’t Kung Fuing how I want it to and how my brain isn’t braining how I want it to and how my progress isn’t progressing how I want it to and how I feel like I’m stuck in a rut and the most frustrating bit is that it’s really all in my head. 

It’s all perspective and mindfulness. But like everything else I am trying to pursue and figure out, the more I chase after perspective and “where am I, what am I doing”, the farther it seems to be. Even though I have been actively working with instructors to help me move in the right direction, I can’t help but feel demoralized all the same, yknow?

Side Kick Go Myroom

Since we focused on the side heel pretty extensively during the last week before break, I’ve been focusing on it and workshopping it a lot during break week. As far as kicks go, this is probably my least used of the primary three, so I think it’s important for me to really focus on it this way. 

One of my biggest “developments” in my side heel over the last decade, in my opinion, was the reduction of “phases” experienced in the side heel from 7 to 5. Initially, when walking through it step-by-step, I would go bow-crane-chamber-kick-chamber-crane-bow. At this point, the chamber was its own phase in the kick and took a lot of time to execute (relatively speaking). 

Now, I’ve mananged to turn the chamber into sort of a transition? I think? As in, instead of aiming to directly execute the chamber as a phase, I implement right at the start of the actual kick, so it sort of exists in-between phases. That was sort of just happening, and then I realized “what am I thinking when I do this?”. 

You know when you push reaaaaally hard on a skittle, and it shoots out and goes mrryoooooom across the room? I think that’s what’s happening. From my crane stance, the opening of my hips allows me to drive my kicking hip/knee down, and my foot goes mryooom. And ta-da! That’s my side heel. 

I think this has allowed me to focus on more of my harmonies, instead of tunnelvisioning on my foot. Like, initially, I was focusing simply on getting the kick out by going through the multitude of steps and it didn’t matter HOW I did it, all that mattered was the heel was out and the toes were down and the bag was rockin. Focusing on the mechanics behind the mryoom has let me see the slightly bigger picture. 

Numbers (per last 7)

Pushups 

40-200-20-100-80-144-80

Sit-ups

60-160-40-100-100-140-60

AOK

5 daily

KM (total last 7)

18

Lion Hugs

You know that feeling when you’re about to cry and break down and you’re doing EVERYTHING you can to hold it together and you’re doing so well, and then someone says “hey, what’s up” or gives you a hug and it all just falls apart? Maybe that’s too specific of an analogy (I’m sure someone will relate), but that’s what the lion feels like to me sometimes. 

Under the cloth is a very safe place to me. It’s warm, it’s soft, I can’t see anything, and best of all- I don’t exist. We talk about “tails needing to be invisible”. At the surface level, this means don't casper and keep up with the head. But while that makes you physically invisible, I think it still can cause a visible separation between head and tail. Not one people would identify, but maybe they would still notice. 

I try to be invisible by adding more. By making the lion seem more like one living breathing rather than two living sections. And for me, I think I like being invisible in the lion. Because it feels so safe, my emotions tend to catch up to me under the cloth. I start to crash more often when under the lion, but because people can’t physically see me, I can usually stay going. Moreso on autopilot, but oh whale. 

Will do another blog with numbers by end of weekend. 

Degrees of Separation

Something I have been experiencing lately is something of an "isolation". While it may simply be an ego-based mindset trying to take in all I can and inevitably hitting a wall with some things, I feel like it runs a little deeper than that. I recognize that my insecurities are mostly routed in narcissism and ego, and working on this is something I have been pretty dedicated to the last month or so. I won't lie, it has lead to a pretty nasty October. I mean, not a fan of October to begin with, but this seemed excessive. Of course, progress can only be made by moving forward, so that's definitely part of my plan. Part of that is identifying the different types of isolation I am feeling, I think.

Type 1: Emotional Isolation. I think this has been a big one over the last month. I think I am prone to letting bridges fall to ruin and not being a totally great person all in all. It has left me feeling as though I have no one to talk to about really anything in life; not the good or the bad. I have been reaching out to some of my friends more frequently to try and reestablish these relations, but it is easier to let a bridge fall apart then to build it up again. I guess it just all bottles up, you know? And I am really trying to avoid that as well.

Type 2: Physical Isolation. I feel like I have been trying to do too much physically and ended up doing not enough. I feel as though I am not where I think I am, nor am I on the path I think I should be. Like I am looking up a big mountain face and picturing myself climbing near the top, while in reality I still have both feet on solid ground. It's been a bit of a tough process grasping that I am not physically where I want to be. My plan for that one is to simply work harder, at this time.

Type 3: Mental Isolation. This one is hugely ego-based, that I recognize. But I feel like I am not on the same processing level as my peers. Like, I don't follow the questions being asked or the flow of conversations sometimes because it just doesn't fit. This is something I have addressed a little bit with Sifu Brinker recently. It is important for me to see the value in how I am comprehending things, not how other people are. That the value comes in how things are translated into Simons software. That said, it still feels like there is an isolation, or a "me against the world" feeling with some of my insights. Not sure if there is much I can do about that though, than realize I'm really not THAT special.

Type 4: Martial Isolation. This is basically a combination all of the above factors. For the most part, team activities. The lion, for example. I have been focusing on MY reasons for the lion, but it feels like I am putting a wall between me and whoever is my head. Over the past month, I have been working a little bit on three different things with three different people as the head. With each of these partners, it feels as though I am disrupting the "synapse" that exists between head and tail. Even if they may not recognize it, I feel like I am messing the whole thing up. A similar thing can be said for my forms; it feels like all my knowledge and beliefs are topsy-turvy lately. 

For addressing all of this, a big thing I have been trying to work on is empathy. I fear I am not the most empathetic of individuals and this needs to be fixed. I am aiming to be the person who can be relied on, I suppose? In all manners. And I feel as though empathy is the simple fix to each of these types of isolation. The thing is, how do I become more empathetic? How do I listen better? What should I do?

Numbers

Pushups (last 7 days)

60-40-60-181-80-40-120

Situps (last 7 days)

80-40-40-120-40-40-60

Forms (total last 7)

Katana: 16

Spear: 14

AoK (per last 7 days)

5-5-5-5-5-5-5

Where’s the wisdom?

It was one of those days where it feels like everything I said wasn’t right. One of the harder parts of being on the younger side of my job is the lack of experience. When working with the public, I work with people who have worked their industry for longer than my parents have known each other. When I enter these interactions, I try to brandish the fact that I’m inexperienced in a useful way. The only way to remedy it is to get experience, and an excellent source of experience are the people who know their jobs better than I know the back of my hand. 

Sometimes this doesn’t work, though. Sometimes there’s people who aren’t willing to go along with inexperience or take the opportunity to pass on experience, but rather choose to be spiteful. As much of a bummer as those people can be to deal with, it doesn’t change the fact that I have a job to do. 

I don’t always know the difference, however. Sometimes I can’t tell when someone is willing to teach me or if they simply want to bother me. It can be tricky; I can end up accidentally turning away good advice and wisdom through trying to tune out the negatives. I think this could be a side effect of the ego-based training tendency’s I am working on identifying. 

I would like to think every person and situation can have a learning opportunity attached. Even when the day ends up making you feel like a tiny little dust mite, there’s an opportunity to still become 1% better by the end of the day. Right now, I am working on being able to look past the negative emotions that cloud my vision and take sight of the little lessons that can be picked up. 

I also have reminded myself not to make these adjustments for the sake of addressing ego-based training, but to do it for the sake of my own health and benefit. No ends justifying means right now; just one step at a time, the here and now. 

can I be scared?

The fall is a hard time of year for me. I can pretty definitely say it’s my least favourite season. I don’t like the sound of dried leaves rustling on concrete or crunching beneath feet, I don’t like how dark the nights feel, I don’t like the chill that comes in the wind, so on and so forth. 

It all has this tendency to make my anxiety to go nuts (I think?). It makes me feel like there’s a cold skeletony hand grasped around my heart and I can’t move. It’s like my I lose control of my brain and body and all I can do is let things go to autopilot for the time being. Like I shove it deep down and ignore it for as long as I can because I’m too embarrassed to address it. 

I’m having a hard time letting go of negativity. Like, the solution should be to embrace all of the little miracles in the circumstances which dig me into the ground. But it’s hard to just.. ignore it, you know? I know the colours of the leaves are pretty. I know pumpkin spice is a flavour that gets eagerly awaited for a whole year. I know people love the spooky of Halloween and the aesthetic of fall and I can understand why people love it. I just wish I wasn’t scared of it, I guess. 

Is fear even a valid emotion in situations like these? Am I even allowed to be afraid of something so trivial? I think I’m doing a good job at not letting it dictate my life at the moment, but it’s still there. It’s still in the back of my mind. It’s still a little ghost that haunts me. Can I justify I’m pushing towards the best state of my life if I don’t address the little ghost? I have no idea, crew. I hate spooky things. I don’t wanna address it. 

At the end of the day, I think it’s just that. Another day. There are times where I really thrive on the “one more day” mindset, for better or for worse. As long as I get through one more day, I’m still moving forwards. 

I hope 

Hard Reset

 Lately, I have come to recognize that I am not in the best shape of my life. Not physically and not mentally. Over the last year or so, I have been working on a lot of small improvements and pushing myself to that best shape. However, I think at some point that became an excuse for mediocrity and I ended up becoming stagnant. In the last six months, my "small adjustments for the better" have seemed to fizzled out, and I think I was trying to hide this from myself. 

As such, I decided it was a good point for a hard reset in the way I do things. To start off, I totally deleted all of my social medias Friday night. This has given me chances to go for walks and work on actual productive things as opposed to getting stuck in a social media wormhole for who knows how long. Another thing I have been working on is trying to increase my water intake; I have begun to carry my water bottle around with me and have found that it has been a huge help. By simply being more hydrated, I feel fresher, less groggy, and less sluggish most of the time. 

I am also trying to stabilize my sleep schedule, my physical activity, and my diet. I am approaching these in baby steps; I have had the phrase "one percent better, every day" ringing in my head for some time now, and I am trying to live by that. I want this to also present itself in my Kung Fu. As my passion renews, I believe my progress will as well.

Numbers (last seven days)

Pushups: 20-40-40-80-140-140-100

Situps: 20-40-40-80-200-200-200

AoK - 5 daily

Tai Chi Tuning

Over the past few months in Tai Chi, I have had the opportunity to lead warm-ups and the occasional first run-through of the form. The first time I that I received this opportunity, it occurrend as a result of nothing but a perfect alignment of mishaps (per chance). However, after realizing the benefit I was gaining from it and speaking with Sifu Dennis, she has been kind enough to allow me to continue with warm ups every once and a while. 

The biggest benefit I find with these is the mindfulness is causes me to have; when partaking in the warmup, it’s easy for me to get lost in the motion and just coast through quickly. Being at the front, I have to be careful to move not at my pace, but in a pace that benefits the class. It forces me to slow down and focus on what I am doing, and what is happening right there. In the here and now. 

My Tai Chi isn’t advancing the way I thought it would be, but it’s advancing in ways I hadn’t realized were possible. It has a long way to go, but this extra boost to motivation and mindfulness have really done wonders over the last month or so. Cheers to progress!!

Deconstruction, Reconstruction

There are a few factors of mine that define me as a martial artist. A major one is that I operate pretty solely on visualizations and “does it feel right”, as opposed to breaking a sequence down and understanding the mechanics behind it. Another is bold, brash, and maybe borderline arrogant confidence. This is probably fueled by the fact that I think that if something feels right, it must be right. Alas, not always the case. 

Recently when reviewing a chunk of Mlon Kuon, it was discovered I was entering a technique from the wrong lead. According to Sifu Rybak, trying to enter the technique from the wrong lead should typically cause a disruption in six harmonies. So why do I do it the way I do, the way that instinctively feels right, when it messes up my harmonies? Easy answer. It doesn’t. 

Apparently, before I launch into the technique, I perform a little hop shuffle adjustment thingy that aligns my weight and timing and harmonies juuuuuust right and bada boom. It’s golden. Apparently, at least. Frankly, I have no idea what I’m doing that makes it work (I’m just trying to reiterate what Sifu Rybak said, but I still haven’t really figured it out myself yet) (she also called me ingenious by the way, thought you all should know) (no take backsies). 

At some point, to compensate for an incorrect habit, I subconsciously deconstructed a move and reconstructed it with a calibration to correct it. I think there are some pretty obvious pros and cons with this, but I’ll talk about them anyway (I am a genuis after all). 

Pros are that my six harmonies are in a state where I both consciously and subconsciously try to achieve them. I am knowledgeable about my body and the way it needs to move. Heck yeah. Thumbs up. 

Cons? I do things wrong and don’t realize it, I guess. I think I need to have more confidence in this aspect, because I do things right. I know what I’m doing. I think. It know what feels right, at least. And hey, feeling right is the first step?

BTSW Time Commitment and Afterward

Over the course of BTSW, I had the opportunity to be at the Kwoon for approximately 35h total over the Monday - Thursday. I was thankful for this opportunity (and the overtime hours I had accrued at work that let me take this time off so easily), as it was my first BTSW in several years. During this time, I got to take part in lots of projects and different roles. 

I am happy with how several of the projects turned out; I am also happy with being able to say I contributed to improving the Kwoon. The student turn-out was pretty minimal this year, which is unfortunate to say the least, but I am happy that more people showed up for the potato bake. For next year, maybe Ill take the time to promote the actual clean-up week a little better? Needless to say, there was plenty of learning opportunities for me in every corner. 

I am pleased with the leadership opportunities that were provided to me during this week as well. Taking the opportunities to develop my leadership abilities is something that is very important to me; it is one of my greatest sources of imposter syndrome and I will always take the opportunity to hone it. I also learnt the names of most of the lions! Like, their full names. I am trying to use those names more often now too.

On a different note, it feels like I have been getting nothing but bad news and tough personal dilemmas since the conclusion of BTSW. I was considering making this into its own blog, but lets just mush it all together hm? A focus of mine is strength in every form; when faced with constant and consistent bad news, it can be very easy to succumb to the negative emotions that follow. I am trying not to let everything get me bogged down; this is easily the most difficult thing to do during the night, I admit. 

I blogged about mental health in my last blog and don't necessarily want to drain this creek dry, but it gets hard to focus on Kung Fu when everything seems to be going the way I really did not want it to go. I am going to be drastically increasing my physical training soon again, I think. I got into a mind rut where I convinced myself that the harder I pushed myself and the harder I made my heartrate go, the harder I mentally crashed afterwards. As I have been working with my doctor for sometime, I want to slowly ease myself back into actually improving my endurance and physical fitness. 

Numbers (Per Last 7 Days)

Push-Ups: 142, 142, 100, 80, 40, 100, 60

Sit-Ups: 142, 142, 100, 80, 40, 60, 60

AOK: 5 per day

KM: ~14 total

I Think I’m Tired

Something I have noticed lately is that my energy levels are lower than they were eight months ago. For a period during the fall/winter, I was blogging multiple times a week, I would leave work and get to the Kwoon at 4:15 and hammer out reps, I was on the mats every day of the week, I was thriving. 

Today, I feel as though I’ve declined away from that point. Blogging has seem to become a chore again, when I get to the Kwoon all I want to do is lay with my head in my arms until it’s time for classes to start, I only consistently attend the kids classes, and my general motivation for my forms and numbers has severely decreased. As I write, it even feels like the general quality of my blogging is just lower. I mean, to be completely honest, I’m only blogging because I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t get to do the fun stuff I have planned today until I blog.. not a great thing to have to do but here we are?

The cause? Energy, motivation, drive, willpower, mental health, the usual suspects. All seem to be in a decline at the moment. This last week, I was trying to work on doing stuff once I got to the Kwoon. More forms and more numbers instead of procrastinating. I think that, on some days, it made things better. It got me warmed up and ready to go. Other days, it seemed to make things worse. It sapped my energy faster and I hit the floor really quickly. 

I think I’m being slowly forced to understand that no perfect system exists, and a next-to-perfect system will take a long time to establish. 

Numbers (per last seven days)

Push-ups: 160, 60, 142, 120, 200, 142, 50

Sit-ups: 150, 80, 142, 40, 142, 142, 80

Walking (KM total): 10-14

AoK: 5 x7

Monthly Mini Challenge - August

 Hey team, 

One of my personal goals this year has been to conduct the monthly mini challenges. While I have fallen a little behind in that regard, I plan on trying to get it running again. So without further ago, Augusts challenge is...

Learn a piece of someone else's forms / teach a piece of your own form!

Sometime during the month of August, I want to challenge people to try and learn a small section of someone else's form. Or rather, I challenge everyone to try and teach a portion of one of their forms to someone who might not know it or might not be familiar with it. 

I do not intend for this to get in the way of regular training; aim to only teach a small chunk to whoever is willing to learn. Teaching is often one of the most effective ways to learn and the insights that can be provided through teaching may not be able to be found anywhere else. 

If there are any questions, please ask!

Where My Training Is At

As I mentioned before, something I’m working on is becoming more consistent with my training. That’s not the only thing, however, I am working towards. This blog will serve as a bit of a catch-up for my progress lately. 

Aside from my consistency, I have been working largely on instructing and my teaching. I have been trying to play a bit of a bigger role in the classes, and I’m working on developing senses of awareness, engagement, and strategies that help me connect to the students. 

A strategy I have found that works relatively well is displaying excitement over the students accomplishments. This isn’t faking excitement; it’s simply displaying it. I believe this has been a way of showing that I care, that I am in engaged in their training, and that I am invested in their developments, all while catering to who I am as a person and my natural strengths. 

Something else I have been working on is still my intent, although that has been modified compared to my goals last year. Teaching my sword form has been great for me; it has allowed me to take the intent that was existing in my mind and verbalize it, as well as making sure I physically embody it. I believe I have gained a far better understanding of my sword form because of it and I am extremely grateful for that. 

With that said, if anyone wants to teach a section of their personal form to someone to see if it helps with their understanding for it, please reach out. I’m more than willing to learn. 

70% Simon

Do you ever have so many blog ideas, but they never see the light of day? And you just don’t blog? And everything seems to be just blegh? That’s kinda where I’m at. 

While there’s lot I want to talk about, the target of this blog will be my recent undertaking to better understanding my limits. As many point out to me, I lack the ability to limit myself properly. I don’t recognize my own limits, nor do I respect them. Mental and physical fatigue, physical wellbeing, patience, etc. All very abused elements of who I am. 

The downside to going “100%” is that it isn’t maintainable. There’s burnout, recoil, recovery, all those nasty things. It can result in inconsistent showings and overall, a decrease in ones general reliability. That’s the thing I hate most. 

I want to be reliable. I want to be relied on. 

I have to earn that, obviously. To be reliable, I need to be consistent. That means consistent and frequent fluctuations from 100% to 30% and back up to 100% are no good to anyone. The fix? 70% Simon. 

I am working on maintaining a consistent 70% Simon. As Sifu Rybak told me, a consistent 70% Simon is far favourable over a drastically inconsistent 30%-100% Simon. This means taking breaks. This means slowing down. This means taking it easy. Not just in Kung Fu, but with every balance I have. Work, personal, home, so on and so forth. 

Once I can maintain a consistent 70%, my goal will be to maintain a consistent 71%. It’s a long game, I think, and one will take lots of mentoring and reassessment. After all, it’s not like I know the difference between my 70% and my 100%. Maybe that’s the first step?

numbers

Numbers post since I haven’t blogged in a week ish. Still having issues with sizing formats.. please bear with me

Numbers

Situps: 11150 / 50000

Pushups: 15060 / 50000

AoK: 462 / 1000

Katana: 185 / 1000

Sword Spear: 213 / 1000

Sparring: 281 / 1000

Distance (km): 381.75 / 1609

Personal

Tai Chi (reps): 61 / 250

Tai Chi (unexcused absences): 1 / 0

Stretching (hrs): 54.75 / 150

MMCs: 1 / 10

Ski Trips: 1 / 4

Volunteering: 0 / 3

Proper Frustration?

The tiger challenge was fun today. Tiring for sure, but overall a fun experience. I enjoyed the judging opportunities I was provided, and it made for great learning chances. 

I am a little disappointed that I was not able to finish my events, however. There’s a sense of guilt and gnawing frustration that I didn’t keep pushing myself, that I didn’t force myself to get up and keep going. I think withdrawing for the second half of events was the reasonable and responsible decision (and feasibly, I recognize that it was probably the only decision and I didn’t even have to make it for myself). Continuing to push on (especially into continuous sparring) would have most likely put both myself and my opponent at risk. 

Despite this, there’s that twinge of lingering frustration. How could it have turned out different. What could I have done better. What paths existed that would have allowed me to continuing competing in other events. Once home, my parents did some checks and concluded that my temperature was high and my blood sugars were low, so obviously I have to take that into account. Next tournament, I’m going to put 10 sugar cubes into a bottle of DayQuil and chug it as a preventive measure (I jest. It’ll only be 5 sugar cubes). 

I guess what I’m trying to say, at the end of it all, is that it feels like I could have prevented my crash. Or maybe that I should have been able to. That it happened as a result of negligence somewhere along the path of mastery. That I should have been able to handle the fatigue and soaring heart rate, that it wouldn’t cause me to start hyperventilating and losing sensation in my hands and feet, and that wouldn’t cause me to have a panic attack and consistently repeat the process. That maybe there was an issue I could have identified sooner. What if I had my panic attack meds? 

Even though all of these what-ifs are kicking around, I am trying to remain positive and not let them damper the entire experience. I still believe I performed well during the first half, despite many hiccups. I’m happy with the performance of my weapons form most of all. My sword form is one that has evolved and grown a lot over the last 16 months and I am beyond pleased to continue developing it. 

Bring It Back

I got home from Ottawa on Friday night. Hooray! To be completely honest, I didn’t handle Ottawa half as well as I thought I would. It completely tanked both my mental health and my motivation. My numbers have fallen behind, as have my personal requirements and general “Kung Fu Habits”, such as class attendance and blogging routine. 

To be entirely honest, I’m a little worried. I have a terrible habit of not being able to restore lost momentum. With that said, I have hopes that being back in the flesh will help restore my motivation. 

To be more accurate, I’m hoping that the return of my routine and element will help improve my mental health, which will in turn help with my motivation. Obviously, I recognize that simply hoping life will be better won’t accomplish anything. I need to take extra effort to try and restore what I lost. 

Speaking of lost, I’m feeling lost? It’s as though my vision is clouded- as though I’m not really sure what I’m working towards at the moment. I think this loss of direction is also a contributing factor to my loss of motivation. I’m trying to focus on the journey and not the destination, but I’m struggling to appreciate the journey when I’m not quite sure what the destination is? Overall, there’s a lot of twist emotions I think I’m experiencing. 

I’m still having technical difficulties with my number logging- I’m hoping to have another blog out this week where I can figure out said difficulties and post them there. 

One More Excuse

I’ve been having issues with my blogger lately. Stuff hasn’t been coming out right, fonts been messed up, all sorts of things. I really have to take a step back and work on my blogs from the ground up too, I think. Formatting, content, all of that. It’s been tricky for me lately. 

I plan on doing another post about motivation soon, but I think this one is a pretty good prerequisite. Right now, my issues with blogger have been just another excuse for me not to blog. It piles onto “I’m not motivated, my numbers aren’t great, I want to ignore the problem, yada yada yada”. All poor excuses, really. And yet it gets the best of me.

Of course, here’s a blog, so clearly I’m still in the ring and fighting as much as I can be. It goes to show how different things can become. In the past, I tried to convince myself that one more excuse was one more reason to avoid doing something when in fact, it was just one more excuse. Really, it has begun to become the opposite. One more excuse has instead become one more reason to do better.

Given the format of my blogger and my numbers, I am going to try and post them with another blog tomorrow once I have access to a computer, as I do not have much ability to check them from my phone.  

Too much of a Good Thing

During my current training in Ottawa, I have been doing full days of self defense training. This has included full days of kicks, strikes, wrist locks, takedowns, grappling, etc. I like this stuff. I have fun with it. It’s my thing. And the instructors have realized this is my thing and that I do not need the same amount of exposure as others (and that my joints are super bendy, making me a good partner for figuring out proper technique). As a result, I end up as the punching bag far more often. So how am I doing?

Sure, I am still trying to have fun. But the concept of moderation rings as true in this circumstance as it does in any other. I am far more bruised now than I ever have been over the last many years. I stretch about 1.5 hours a day and I am still struggling with stiffness (Nigel, am I overdoing it? I don’t even know). Sure, this sort of stuff is my thing. But it is hard to stay positive about it when you do it for 8 hours a day, several days in a row. It catches up. 

Overall, a lot of my numbers have fallen behind, but my sparring reps and stretching have taken a pretty big boost, so I am still somewhat in the game. 

Numbers

Situps: 8790 / 50000

Pushups: 11420 / 50000

AoK: 347 / 1000

Katana: 143 / 1000

Sword Spear: 179 / 1000

Sparring: 224 / 1000

Distance (km): 208.75 / 1609

Blogs: 10

Personal

Tai Chi (reps): 46 / 250

Tai Chi (unexcused absences): 0 / 0

Stretching (hrs): 32.75 / 150

MMCs: 1 / 10

Ski Trips: 1 / 4

Volunteering: 0 / 3

still here

Hey team, still alive. Got lots to write about but not a lot of energy, motivation, or time, so it’ll come at another day. It’s been a long couple weeks, and I haven’t adjusted very well to Ottawa life yet. Cheers for the weekend. Since I don’t have anything to post, here’s my numbers 

Numbers

Situps: 8390 / 50000

Pushups: 10970 / 50000

AoK: 302 / 1000

Katana: 136 / 1000

Sword Spear: 176 / 1000

Sparring: 144 / 1000

Distance (km): 196.75 / 1609

Blogs: 9

Personal

Tai Chi (reps): 46 / 250

Tai Chi (unexcused absences): 0 / 0

Stretching (hrs): 22.75 / 150

MMCs: 1 / 10

Ski Trips: 1 / 4

Volunteering: 0 / 3

Trajectory

“Trajectory” was a word used frequently during the last 2nd degree class. It is very easy for me to become disillusioned with the day-to-day results (or lack of results) when trying to measure my progress. As mentioned in previous posts, progress is something that terrifies me. Progress is bigger than me. Progress is merciless in showing you the fruit of your effort. For some, it can be the greatest motivator. For others, it can cripple. Regardless of what observing progress does for you as an individual, it does not change the fact that it is inevitable. To put it remarkably bluntly, nothing ever remains constant. As such, if you do not progress forwards, you may end up progressing backwards. 

I do not like seeing my progress. Do not get me wrong; I still value it. I value what I learn from observing my progress. But I do not like simply observing it. I fail to see the progress itself, and get stuck on the “it could have been better”. However, using the concept of trajectory forces me to see the bigger picture. It connects each of my dots, you could say. When I observe my numbers and videos of my forms, I observe them as simple “data points”. Snapshots in time, if you will. I was there, and now I am here. But why am I not over here? What did I do wrong? 

By connecting those dots and following my trajectory, it not only allows me to see where I came from but it also allows me to see where I am going (should I continue to train and study the way I currently am). By visualizing the actual movement of my progress, by seeing the direction I am moving in, I can overcome the “why am I not at this point” feelings. Why? Because my trajectory shows me that those points are still on the path ahead. 

Numbers are in yesterday's post; as everything I just said is a work in progress, I am still aiming to look at my total numbers roughly only once a week, for personal reasons.  

Creation and Presentation

Beta form day is something I enjoy. It’s complicated to describe; even though I get nervous, it doesn’t affect me the same way it used to. I think this is because I have gotten into the habit of simply doing my forms the way I have practiced, instead of trying to present (although I suppose that’s the whole point, huh?). After all, the beta form is a chance to show off your hard work, not your finished product. That said, I have always been in the habit of trying to reach the point that, by beta, I am showing off something closer to a “finished product” form as opposed to the accumulation of hard work. 

I am enjoying my spear form. However, I have definitely been limited with my creative freedom. At present, I feel like ~80% of the form has been directly adapted from either the school spear form or from the Wudang monk spade form. I initially chose the spear because I believe there is a lot I can do with it in terms of originality and creativity. However, the spear I bought is not the spear I intended to do and as such, I have definitely had to change my process a little bit. I struggle with heavy weapons; they do not work the way I want them to. In fact, the only weapon form I had to learn from someone else as opposed to creating myself was the monk spade- after toying with it for a few weeks, I realized I was lacking creative flow and decided to take Sihing Beckett up on her offer to learn the Wudang form. 

Ultimately, I have found myself in the same boat with this heavy sword-spear. While I have not been able to generate the same originality I would have liked, I am not disappointed with my experience. To be entirely honest, I do not recall the monk spade form in its entirety anymore. However, as I progress my spear form, I find myself in positions where muscle memory kicks in, and I rediscover a part of the monk spade form I had previously forgotten. This has brought me to the point where, with a little bit of guidance, I believe I have the ability to piece together the whole of the monk spade form again. Being able to help Sidai S Csillag learn the school spear form has also helped me; while I have always been able to retain the school spear form and have taught it to others before, teaching it while working on my own spear form has managed to connect several dots for me that I didn't know had even existed. 

Regarding my katana form, I am also pleased with it. I decided to continue working on the form I created last year; this is ultimately because one year did not feel sufficient enough in coming close to mastery. The katana is a popular weapon in pop culture, media, and society. That provides me with lots of inspiration and instruction, as well as the motivation to keep pushing to become better with it. The katana is also the weapon that manifests itself closest to my personal style and as such, I believe I gain a lot out of it. 

Teaching it is also beneficial. I have never taught one of my personal forms before and by teaching this one to Toudai Csillag, it has opened up whole new layers of the form I had completely overlooked. Metaphorically, it has allowed me to sharpen and clarify a blurry picture. What I mean by that is such; my form relies a lot on my visualizations manifesting into my intent. By keeping my visualizations as consistent as possible, I can keep my intent as consistent as possible. However, I am not perfect. There are many instances in my form where the specific move I do changes with every reputation, depending on my intent in that given second. Left foot vs right foot forwards, pull the sword in front vs to the hip, does my hand switch grips or not, stuff like that.

These little “inconsistencies” are not something I was opposed to. And while I am still not entirely opposed to them, I do not believe they embody the purpose of a form. With that said, recognizing these inconsistent moves and finalizing what they should be has actually allowed me to gain a better understanding of my intent. I do not know if this is something that would have occurred if I was not teaching the form to someone else. Because of this, I am grateful. You know what they say; the best way to learn something is to teach it. Who knew this applied to something you created yourself?

The last point to bring up is that I have begun doing reps of my form with my live blade (carefully, of course). This has provided me with a whole new respect for the weapon. I have moves I never thought twice about while using my practice blades that I have had to slow down and relearn with renewed precision. The increased weight has shown me both the impracticality and practicality of certain moves, and overall it has allowed me to increase my overall ability. 

Long story short? I am pleased with both of my forms and their progress. 

Numbers

Situps: 3940 / 50000

Pushups: 5170 / 50000

AoK: 168 / 1000

Katana: 71 / 1000

Sword Spear: 88 / 1000

Sparring: 66 / 1000

Distance (km): 102.75 / 1609

Blogs: 8

Personal

Tai Chi (reps): 24 / 250

Tai Chi (unexcused absences): 0 / 0

Stretching (hrs): 16.75 / 150

MMCs: 1 / 10

Ski Trips: 1 / 4

Volunteering: 0 / 3

Why Am I Here?

This is a question I don’t think I like. Atleast, when I first heard it, I didn’t like it. Reading all of the blogs answering this question, there’s a lot of similar yet extremely diverse answers. So what’s mine?

For one.. I fall in the group who doesn’t really know anything else. I started as a child where Kung Fu was my primary extracurricular growing up. It has become fundamental to how I live and function, and an asset to my life. Why? Because I don’t remember what life was like before Kung Fu. Even though I was 8 when I joined, I still don’t really remember much before that time. 

That feels like a really poor answer, though. “I’m here because I don’t know how to not be here”. I mean, I was mostly gone for several years recently, but I still ended up back on the mats. It’s who I am. I can spend the rest of the blog explaining all of the benefits to being here, all of the discipline and respect it has provided me. But I am a simple and straightforward person. I suppose it would be best for me to ultimately give a simple and straightforward answer. So why am I here? 

It’s because it’s where I belong. 

Numbers

Situps: 3090 / 50000

Pushups: 3920 / 50000

AoK: 138 / 1000

Katana: 60 / 1000

Sword Spear: 75 / 1000

Sparring: 54 / 1000

Distance (km): 80.75 / 1609

Blogs: 7 / 52

Personal

Tai Chi (reps): 22 / 250

Tai Chi (unexcused absences): 0 / 0

Stretching (hrs): 14.5 / 150

MMCs: 1 / 10

Ski Trips: 1 / 4

Volunteering: 0 / 3