Full Cup Feelin Empty

Ive struggling with my “emotional cup” lately. I always blame the season but I think there’s always a multitude of reasons. The biggest thing is that I’ve been taking on too much in an attempt to try and keep myself busy so I can’t fall into a state of self sabotage, and that inevitably backfires when it burns me out. At the same time, it almost feels like the lesser of two evils at this moment. 

As I try to address a lot of my ego-based habits and training, it causes my insecurities and anxiety to flair up in my face. It’s a shame you can’t address these kinds of things without actually addressing them.. bummer. Anyhow, this creates a negative feedback loop which always kicks me in the butt. The problem is, I don’t have the courage to power through some of these things on my own, but I am also stuck in the mindset that I need to do this sort of stuff on my own. That it has to be done on my own. 

At the end of the day, I feel like I have only just started to find 70% Simon and I’m already losing that balance. It feels like everything I actively pursue, I push away. Like, by pursuing strength and resilience and fortitude, it floats further and further away. 

I realize I am rambling a bit, I apologize. I guess what I am trying to say is, right now I am tired and frustrated and annoyed and upset. That my Kung Fu isn’t Kung Fuing how I want it to and how my brain isn’t braining how I want it to and how my progress isn’t progressing how I want it to and how I feel like I’m stuck in a rut and the most frustrating bit is that it’s really all in my head. 

It’s all perspective and mindfulness. But like everything else I am trying to pursue and figure out, the more I chase after perspective and “where am I, what am I doing”, the farther it seems to be. Even though I have been actively working with instructors to help me move in the right direction, I can’t help but feel demoralized all the same, yknow?