can I be scared?

The fall is a hard time of year for me. I can pretty definitely say it’s my least favourite season. I don’t like the sound of dried leaves rustling on concrete or crunching beneath feet, I don’t like how dark the nights feel, I don’t like the chill that comes in the wind, so on and so forth. 

It all has this tendency to make my anxiety to go nuts (I think?). It makes me feel like there’s a cold skeletony hand grasped around my heart and I can’t move. It’s like my I lose control of my brain and body and all I can do is let things go to autopilot for the time being. Like I shove it deep down and ignore it for as long as I can because I’m too embarrassed to address it. 

I’m having a hard time letting go of negativity. Like, the solution should be to embrace all of the little miracles in the circumstances which dig me into the ground. But it’s hard to just.. ignore it, you know? I know the colours of the leaves are pretty. I know pumpkin spice is a flavour that gets eagerly awaited for a whole year. I know people love the spooky of Halloween and the aesthetic of fall and I can understand why people love it. I just wish I wasn’t scared of it, I guess. 

Is fear even a valid emotion in situations like these? Am I even allowed to be afraid of something so trivial? I think I’m doing a good job at not letting it dictate my life at the moment, but it’s still there. It’s still in the back of my mind. It’s still a little ghost that haunts me. Can I justify I’m pushing towards the best state of my life if I don’t address the little ghost? I have no idea, crew. I hate spooky things. I don’t wanna address it. 

At the end of the day, I think it’s just that. Another day. There are times where I really thrive on the “one more day” mindset, for better or for worse. As long as I get through one more day, I’m still moving forwards. 

I hope