Lately, I have been seeing some of my old mental health issues crop up. Fortunately, I have not run into any major issues, but it definitely has me a little on edge. In fact, I think being on edge is what has been acting as a catalyst to increase my struggles. Lately, I have not had a lot of time for rest or play. Between work and school, most of my waking hours are already accounted for.
To start with school, I think the workload is generally the same. However, school in the past has always been spread across several class with several lectures per class throughout the week, and a hefty amount of homework equally spread out. In comparison, this semester feels a lot more compact. All five courses are sort of smorgasborded into one, and there are no lectures or slotted class hours to dedicate working time to. Instead, the onus is all on me to find time and figure stuff out, which I haven't had much of an issue doing. It just eats up so much of my free time.
With work, I think my issue has been the diligence required. I have already experienced that, while many people appreciate the presence of the uniform, a lot of people do not. This is something that was hammered into us pretty extensively at defensive training as well. As a result, I feel as though my guard is always up. The other day, as I was doing a foot patrol, a rabbit dashed out behind me and broke a few sticks underneath it. My immediate reaction was that someone was trying to sneak up on me, and I turned around ready for a confrontation. Heart rate up, adrenaline pumping. Although I have not had a physical encounter yet (and hopefully it remains that way), being prepared and ready for one has taken a pretty significant toll on my psyche.
When the day is done and I am laying in my old, beaten up mattress trying to get comfortable, the edge of the day is still in present. As a result, the shadows seem bigger, the noises seem louder, the world seems darker, and my sleeps get restless. I then wake up poorly rested and repeat the process, which I am confidant most would agree is a pretty distasteful cycle.
However, I feel better prepared than I was five years ago. I know my triggers, I know what calms me down, I know who I am and how to deal with who I am. While I recognize that is not a guarantee fail-safe, it has definitely given me the confidence and the courage to keep on keeping on, which does miracles in and of its own. When asked, am I in the best shape of my life, I know my answer. Physically, I do not believe I have gotten back to who I was before I got sick, but that is a blog for another time. Mentally, I am better every single day. Every day, with every whisper and every shiver of anxiety I get, I am better for it. I will NOT be bested, and I will NOT be beaten. I will NOT go gentle into that goodnight.
That said, willpower can only do so much on its own. As such, I may not be in class tomorrow night; I have been invited to a rodeo in a neighboring town tomorrow evening and while I am still undecided, I believe spending time with friends and going out may be the mental health break I need so desperately. Considering I have another training camp next week, this may be the one break I get and I do not want to squander it.
Cheers folks
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