Five Years

I was almost done writing another blog to post today when I realized that it was December 01, and then I got motivation to write this blog instead. There is a lot of sentiment in today for me, after all.

At this time, five years ago today, I was preparing to walk into my black belt grading. When I look back at that year and I read all of the blogs I posted throughout it, I do not know if I am happy or not with how I did. More accurately, I do not remember if I should be happy or not. Ultimately, five years is a long time and my general memory happens to be rather subpar, so to be completely honest, I do not recall many details from that year. 

A trait of my anxiety always makes me ask the following: Could I have done better? If I had graded today as opposed to five years ago, would I have been able to do better? The answer is yes. A lot has changed over the last five years, and I believe I have grown as both a martial artist and as a person because of it. My motivations have changed, my desires have changed, my beliefs have changed. Overall, I am better today than I was five years ago.

 While my anxiety lends to an imposter syndrome that makes me believe I should not have earned my black belt five years ago, I have come to understand the importance of taking a deep breath and reflecting on the bigger picture. I am better today than I was five years ago. That's exactly the point!! This does not necessarily mean I was not ready to earn my black belt five years ago. The black belt does not mark the end of improvement, nor the end of mastery. As such, I believe I am unnecessarily burdening myself with the stress of trying to maintain the level of “black belt”. In actuality, I just need to keep doing what I have been doing, keep focusing on how I can become better, and let my progress represent itself. Our belts may act as progress posts, but it is our own actions and development that truly define the progress we make, I suppose. 

My goal five years ago was to become a black belt. My goal today is to become better. I believe that, in and of itself, reflects some of the progress I have been able to make. 

All in all, while these may seem like pretty straight-forward concepts, I think it is good to still reflect on them. Steps to mastery and all that, yknow?