Over the last month or so, I noticed that I have been increasing the amount of physical activity I have been doing. My push-ups have increased, I have increased my forms and cardio, and I have begun implementing horse stance exercises into my day. As I began doing this, my only reason to myself is that it had to be done, which is why I thought nothing of it. However, as I stopped and actually thought about it the other day, it occurred to me. Why am I doing this? The simple answer I came up with is lion dancing.
Being the egoist I am, I had automatically assumed that my lion dance motivation was self sufficient. That I was doing it so that I can be better. So that I can be the best lion dancer I can be. But something about this did not feel right. It was a reason, sure. But it was not thee reason. Somehow, self sufficiency did not feel like the beating heart of my motivation. I think this was a weird realization; I believe I am someone who cares about others and likes to help out wherever I can, yet despite this I always feel selfish about it. I think I always have some type of selfish intent at the core and that it is within my wicked nature as a human. So why does this feel different?
It is because my motivation is not to be the best tail I can be, but to allow my partner to be the best head that they can be. With all of my stubbornness and egoism, I refuse to be the tail that holds back my partner's potential. I recognize this about myself; I need to be stronger, I need more stamina, I need better technique, and I need to be better.
In the past, I have had approximately three other lion partners. The first two people I partnered with, I did not know them fundamentally well. On the mats, I could work with them and laugh with them and understand them, but outside of the martial artist connection, we did not have much personal connection. My third partner was my brother. While my bond with my brother is arguably the closest I have, we did not have much opportunity to practice or work together. While it is possible that Nate and I could have had potential, we were cut short by covid and then me leaving for school. We had the personal connection but lacked the ability to develop the martial artist connection.
As for my current partner, I believe this is the first time in which I have both of these connections well formed. Without getting too personal about it, my partner is someone I can trust, I can count on, and I wholeheartedly believe in both on and off the mats. As such, I refuse to be the factor which might hold her back. And yet, if I simply elected to allow someone else to take on the role, would that not be the same as giving up? I recognize that in the long run, I may not be the perfect partner and I may need to be replaced. In fact, my anxiety tells me that this is a very likely outcome. But if I do not do everything within my ability to try and reach that level in which I can be relied on, it is the same as choosing to give up. As such, I must become better.
Of course, I recognize this as a fine line. If I push myself too hard, one of two things will happen. I will either lack the energy needed at the end of the day to properly practice my lion dancing or I will injure myself. Either way, it results in me letting my partner down. And as I previously mentioned, I refuse to do that.
Ultimately, my motivation may still be on the selfish side. But at the end of the day, I believe that this motivation is what will push me the farthest, so here’s to riding it.
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