Help Wanted

Something I’ve been missing more and more is lion dancing. Two of my favourite roles in the lion dance are the drum and the tail, and I’ve been working on them as much as I can on my own. Drumming is easy enough to practice on my own, but practicing the tail is trickier. 

I like the tail for how underrated it is. I think the tail is really important and can offer a lot to the dance outside of just matching the head. I like being invisible by doing more, I guess. When cats or other animals play and react, they move with their whole body. As such, I like giving the WHOLE lion a personality, since cats don’t react with just their faces, you know?

With that, this is a request for help. If anyone wants to practice being a head or work on parts of a dance, please reach out. Whether you have experience or not, I’d like to work with as many people as I can. I want to work on everything I can, from the fundamentals of the dance to things like stacks and rolls; so whatever you want to work on, please reach out!

Que Será, Será

I am having some issues with blogs right now. Like every idea I try to produce ends up only half finished, and I’m not sure where to take them? That’s pretty representative of how I’m feeling lately. Like things are all sorta thought out, but I can’t really put anything together or see anything through. There has been a lot of hesitation with my approach to, well, everything. Like I’m afraid to committing to one singular approach or ending, so rather I’m just leaving things unfinished (which is no way to do things either). It’s caused me a lot of stress over things like whether I’m capable of returning to kids classes or to lion dancing, to planning a cross-seas trip, to committing to projects, to working, to trying to take care of myself, to every little thing. Everything can go wrong. What if everything goes wrong?

I’m not one to believe in universal signs or anything like that, but I had a pretty weird week. I saw / heard the phrase “Que sera sera” like, everywhere. Song on the radio, poem of the day subscriptions, quotes in tv shows, it was everywhere. Like I kid you not, I counted over 10 separate, unrelated occurrences in which I experienced it over the last 7 days. As stubborn as I am, when something gets shoved in my face that much, it’s pretty hard to ignore. “Whatever will be, will be”. I’m also pretty sure that that’s the answer to what I’ve been struggling with lately. 

This is something I’ve had to remind myself of time and time again. I’ve blogged about this idea before, as well. What always helps me get through these periods of uncertainty is watching the stars. The coolest thing about star watching (for me) is that, across a seemingly infinite amount of space and vastness, I am so microscopically small yet everything is connected through me all at the same time. My line of sight acts as a nexus that connects galaxies and universes. I am significant. And yet, my incorrect decisions do not impact that phenomenon of space. At the end of the day, no matter what mistakes I make, those stars will still be in the sky. It will still all be okay. I am significant yet equally insignificant. Alas; whatever will be, will be. 

Confidence in One’s Abilities

I had three goals for this years Tiger Challenge. More of 3 priorities, even. In order, they were as follows 

1. I’ll compete in each of my events without withdrawing
2. I’ll be where I’m needed
3. Enjoy myself 

So with that said; I competed in my events, I was where I needed to be, and I didn’t cry, so I think I can write this year off as a roaring success. This was huge for two separate reasons. 

First was my performance (or lack thereof) last year. I competed in less than half of the events that I had signed up for before experiencing what my doctor surmised could have been a minor hypoglycaemic seizure. I has returned from my Ottawa training literally days before the tournament and to put it bluntly, that trip didn’t see a very healthy food-to-alcohol balance. I also didn’t eat that day and, in typical Simon fashion, pushed myself way too hard. On top of all that, I was dealing with worsening depression and anxiety along with the guilt and perceived isolation of feeling like I had to lie and hide it from the people who were closest to me at the time (I’m sorry).  A boiling point of long term depletion of glycogen and an onset of heavy physical and mental stress; it was too much for my mind and body to handle. I wanted to do better this year. I had to better this year. 

Or so I thought. 

The reality is, I was pretty much writing off the Tiger Challenge a couple months ago. I didn’t think it would be possible for me to compete, judge, or even breath if I was in that atmosphere. I felt like I was, once again, at rock bottom; how could I do better this year if I didn’t even have the motivation to try and be just okay, let alone better? One morning, several months ago, I came to the realization I had to do one of the following two things:

Make a simple list of goals to accomplish during the Tiger Challenge or plan an elaborate scheme which involved me conveniently being out of the country for the timeframe spanning the Tiger Challenge and the parade (because if I was missing one, I might as well go all in). Alas, I made the list (it took less planning) (Sifu Rybak was also consistently reminding me not to run away from Kung Fu). 

I actually put some thought into the list. Originally it was in reverse-order; enjoy myself then be where I’m needed then complete my events. And that was the plan up until like, literally 72 hours ago? I was so intent on hyping myself up to try and enjoy myself I feel like I lost sight of everything I gained leading up to the event. I was already enjoying myself again; the hours my fight choreo team spent on weekends and the time I spent after classes w Sihing Lindstrom were huge. I was laughing and having fun and I thought, why stress it? So I flipped priorities. 

I paced myself so I could do my events, and I went where I needed to be. I was super thankful for my opportunity to judge the level 2 adult events and about half of the black belt events. It gave me reassurance in my decision making abilities and confidence in who I am. This was the second big thing I gained. I felt a part of me I haven’t felt in, well, a long time. Not a part driven by a need for recognition or ego but more a part of me that’s happy just to be doing what I do. I’m so grateful. 

Tiring

The series of blogs I’ve been doing lately (the last two and the next couple) are focusing on my insecurities and other triggers, in an effort to identify and analyze them. My hope is to be able to use my blogs as a way to document what I am experiencing on the mats and how I am trying to overcome them, as well as opening the door for advice. They are very emotionally draining, though, and some may take me longer to write. This is a bit of a “break time” blog as I work on the next one. 

I really didn’t want to go to black belt class yesterday; I felt terrible and sick and just not okay. My cat and I took a nap at 5:30 (because I really wasn’t feeling like being awake and my cat wanted to cuddle so hey, two birds one stone), and I didn’t wake up until my dad called me at 7 asking if I was going to class with him. I said no. Eight minutes later I had dragged myself into the car. I made it to class and I took part in class, and I think that was pretty okay. I worry I didn’t retain what I needed to, but the fact that I still experienced it is better than the alternative. 

I’m thankful for the Tiger Challenge and for Sifu Rybaks ongoing support and encouragement because I probably wouldn’t have gone to class without them. My obligations to my partners really pushed me to show up, even if it wasn’t the easiest thing. I may need to find a new commitment once tiger challenge is over, but that’s a problem for later. My current goal is to submit my entry; I have tried thrice now to sign up but I can never seem to complete the application. I want to get that done by the end of today. 

I am also feeling a lot bit guilty over missing Tai Chi classes, but I am still focusing on my own practice and trying to get atleast 3 reps in during the week. I am working on my footwork and trying to apply what I have been given in previous parts. 

pt2

“The oldest scars run the deepest”

“You bring about your own greatest fears”

Thank you for everyone who has reached out over the last few days; it means a lot to me. The two quotes above are pertinent to what I have been feeling the last week. 

My mom kept a lot of stuff from when we were kids; we were sorting and clearing it out this week and I found lots of interesting things. There were lots of journals; lots of interesting things in them too. This was one of them.

Tuesday, October 19th, 2010

It can be scary to be left alone. 

That was all there was to it. I was eight when I wrote that; probably right around when I started Kung Fu, actually. I don’t know why I wrote it or what I was feeling when I wrote it. But I was right. It’s scary to be alone. “Old scars run deep”. I don’t think I would have ever admitted that today; that being alone is one of my greatest fears. I think I’ve always tried to bury it because I didn’t want it to be true? Like, it’s not cool to be afraid of being alone, yknow? Reading that little journal note took a toll on me. It made it real and I don’t think I was ready for that. Especially not in the state of mind I’ve been in lately; it made me reassess pretty much… everything I’ve done? It’s like everything that I’ve ever done, every decision I’ve made, I did it because I was afraid of being alone. Because I couldn’t admit that or acknowledge it. 

And yet I’ve gone and pushed myself away. Its not the first time I’ve done it; probably won’t be the last. “You bring about your own greatest fear”. It’s next to impossible for me to socialize. As a matter of fact, one of my personal goals this year is to have a “socialization event” atleast once a month. The criteria for that? Get out of the house, see someone, do something. Have I done that? So far. But like, literally the bare minimum. I’m not sure why this is; another talk to have with the counsellor, I guess. 

It’s like a “dehydration on a deserted island” predicament. There’s all the support and connection at the Kwoon and yet.. I’m scared of being alone. Like I haven’t earned my part on the team or I haven’t earned the connections that it provides and I’m pushing “aloneness” on myself as self sabotage. I imagine it comes down to perspective? I’m working on it. 

pt1

I haven’t been okay lately. For a long time now, it’s been getting bad again. But this last month especially. It’s been hard. At Thursdays meeting, I thought it was interesting how, when discussing priorities, it was said that sometimes we have to prioritize staying alive. Interesting in the fact that I described my current state of affairs that way only a couple days prior. 

I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety. With lacking motivation to do anything and the apathy of not caring how I have been deteriorating. I have been fighting and burning very precious energy to try and do the basics. It has been a lesson in mindfulness, if I need to find a silver lining. There have been times in my life where I’ve wondered how someone can be so oblivious to their own health and perceived appearance. Now, I find myself having to battle to shower, to eat properly, to take meds, to wash my hair, brush my teeth, to drink water, to go to work, to respond to texts, to care about my productivity, to walk upstairs, to get out of bed, to plug my phone in at night, to clean my car, to fill my car with gas, the list goes on. 

I’ve been largely unable to do basic human activity 101. Like having to do these things has become an insurmountable wall. I’m scared because it isn’t going away. I’m scared because there’s a piece of me buried deep down that doesn’t seem to care about being better. Like all I’m doing is faking it until I one day make it. Like I’m putting on this appearance of trying to get better but there’s a part of me deep inside that doesn’t actually care if I do or not and I don’t know how to fix that? It’s talk for the counsellor, I guess. 

My ability to focus on Kung Fu has been very limited lately. I haven’t been to my classes in about a month; I don’t know how I can go. I don’t know where to find the energy at the end of my day to even log in. It feels like an extra pile of guilt on top of everything. I have to remind myself of my circumstances It circles around to priorities, again. Staying alive is number one right now. It seems like a pretty trivial pursuit of mastery, but as frustrating as it is, I am recognizing that sometimes yesterdays 3% is today 90%. 

As far as Kung Fu goes, I’m not in a great place. Clearly, I’m not in a great place, period. But my numbers and IHC commitment has been lacking lately, and I apologize. My approach to mastery right now is finding a way to build enough baseline that I can start finding a way to building my numbers and martial prowess. It feels like a real 20 steps back but I’m realizing this is a result of neglect and blind progression on my part. 

All in the Wrists

I’ve always had a bit of a weird time with application vs form. Like, the whole concept of it never seemed to fully resonate? I think this is probably because I aim to keep my intent consistent with techniques. It’s a whole rabbit whole I’ll save for another blog though, I don’t really wanna get into it yet. 

Swordbreaker, however, very much draws a definitive line. Like my other techniques, my intent remains consistent between form and application, yet the lack of a physical barrier to stop the momentum of the weapon very much changes the style of how it manifests. Right now, in the form, I’m doing all these turns and flicks and spins and whacks because I’m a slave to the momentum of the weapon. None of this is extremely applicable though, I think. The swordbreaker, in application, would be very much “swoop, smack, next”, I think (application has yet to be field tested, if anyone has a sword they’re no longer attached to, feel free to reach out (just kidding (sorta…))). 

I’ve reached the same conclusion I have with my other swordbreaker-related ponderings; it comes down to how effectively you control the weapons momentum. I think this is true for both a form and an application, although it manifests just a little differently. 

I’ve noticed with my form that repeated consistent use of the weapon puts strain on my wrist. Which is saying something, because I have pretty flexible wrists. Over the last week or so, I have started using a wrist brace with my weapon. It’s a pretty simple solution, I’ll admit, but it appears to be effective. That little bit of extra support has made managing the momentum significantly less taxing on my wrist and easier in general. 

Another approach I am considering is wearing a gauntlet or something similar on my offhand. I intent to trial this out slowly with some old sparring gear first to see if it is feasible, but my train of logic is that I am not committing to my techniques because of the need to control the momentum via natural dissipation/the lack of a physical stopping barrier. If I provide myself with a surface that I can use as a hands-on approach to directly stopping the momentum (pun intended), my possibilities open up. And for those more concerned with my physical wellbeing more than I am, my intent is not to wear armour as the soles means of stopping my armour-breaking weapon. It’s more so, like an extra tool yknow? Cuz right now I’m stopping it with my bare hand occasionally and I can’t keep doing that.

Alas, sourcing a gauntlet might not be the easiest thing I’ve done, so if anyone knows a decent way to do so, please reach out (for reals this time). I’m not looking for anything fancy or elegant, just effective.