Growing Past The Jack

This weekend, I’ve made a lot of reflections on the meaning of the IHC team; what it stands for, what it represents, what I gain from it, what I expect from it, all that fun stuff. Through perspective gained via recent one-on-ones, I made a few realizations. 

For the majority of my life, I think I've pretty much excelled as a “jack of all trades” type. When it came to sports or academics, I was never the best at anything, but I was always decent at everything (or at the very least, almost everything). That’s kinda how it’s always been; I like things being well-rounded.

The same can be said for my Kung Fu, I think. As an instructor, a member of the lion/dragon dance team, an IHC member, or a student, I’ve always identified myself as a “jack of all trades”. My goal to support those around me was to let my peers settle into their strengths and fit myself into the gaps that get left behind. This was how I considered myself to be reliable and dependable. This is important to me. 

However, the full saying is “jack of all trades, master of none”. I’m not sure why I’ve never made this connection before, but doesn’t it seem counterintuitive to effectively describe myself as a “master of none” whilst being a member of a team dedicated to mastery? 

Another realization occurred when playing a very simple combat game on the Nintendo switch. For games with strategy or stat building, I’ve always like to round myself out. This time, to change it up, I figured I’d pour everything into only a handful of skills and go from there. I ended up losing. A lot. It was too hard. It was too much of a challenge. Yet I see people play this way and make it work. Are they just inherently better than me?

They are not. They are, however, more committed than I am. I gave up when the challenge became, well, challenging. I slipped back into my comfort zone. It was easier just to do it my way. 

The IHC is not a place for dwelling in comfort zones, though. Being a jack of all trades is convenient when it comes to avoiding dedicated improvement. It’s essentially settling for an all-around “good enough”. It’s essentially settling for mediocrity. The IHC is not a place for growing mediocrity. 

I still value and appreciate my role in filling in the spaces and supporting those around me. I don’t plan on letting that go. I do plan on developing a handful of my abilities, however. Committing more energy to what I care about and what makes me happy rather than every little thing I can think of. This list includes the tail of the lion, snake style, my sword style, and my punches. I am looking forward to seeing what I can accomplish when I take on these challenges. 

July Lessons

This month kinda whirred right past me, if I’m being honest. Like, before I knew it, bam. August. Blogging got away on me too. I’ve been working on some blogs that I have good ideas for, but my brain isn’t producing the words I want it to, yknow? So I figured I would share some progress updates and gratitudes from the last month. 

Work has been tough; it feels like I haven’t done much which isn’t really okay. I kinda got stuck in a “goofy loop” where I wasn’t able to get any traction with my caseload. That said, I also have been trying to recognize what I HAVE done. I took close to half of the month off, and in that time I’ve made good progress on a few files. Since I still expect more from myself, Ive been using the positive feelings and motivation as much as I can to kickstart the stuff I really don’t feel like doing. 

Kung Fu has been good. I’ve gotten to do a lot of lion dancing work; coming up with new moves and techniques has been a lot of fun and it’s given me a lot of motivation to be on the mats. I’ve also had a lot of breakthrough progress with Tai Chi, and I continue to come into my own. I’ve also had the chance to return to instructing a few times, which has been a gratifying experience. 

I’ve been struggling with a lower back injury that I believe I sustained a little under 2 years ago. It’s one of those things where, when it first occurred, I was in a lot of pain but was able to stretch it and nurse it back within a few weeks. After that, however, I’ve gradually experienced more pain whenever I engage in activities which activate the lumbar. While I have been really focusing on stretches and posture, I feel the next steps are to see a professional; the setback I’m experiencing is that I really struggle with the whole “being touched in a vulnerable state by a person I don’t know or trust” type thing. Like, extraordinarily so. This is something I’ve been slowly progressing on. 

I also found out that a teacher of mine from high school passed away a week ago. I wouldn’t say I got along with this teacher; in fact, I recognize that I was an absolute nightmare. I did a lot of coasting and clowning around in high school (which I’m not overly proud of). With reflection, I realize that by no means did I improve this persons life; rather, I made it needlessly more difficult. There is regret and a good bit of shame in that. Moreover, I’m disappointed in myself that it required someone passing for me to make this kind of reflection. Growth is a fickle thing, I suppose. 

A few more updates I can right about, but I’ll save em as a backup idea if I can’t seem to write another blog. 

Acts of Gratitude

As far as our numerical requirements go, acts of kindness have been one of the easier numbers for me to stay on top of. My approach for these has been to reflect on them before bed; to take an opportunity after everything else is done to reflect on my day and find those little moments where I contributed to making the world a wee bit of a better place. I like to try and find five. 

However, it’s not always easy to find five. There are days where I am not in it. You know, those “lazy days”. Never leave the house, most of the time in my room, not a lot of food and water or activity, those type of days. I have them more than I care to admit. Heck, I like them more than I care to admit. I like to be lazy; it’s easy to be lazy. However, you don’t need to be a therapist to determine that these “lazy days” are nothing but detrimental to my mental health. And once upon a time, not so long ago, I was fine with that. 

At the end of these days, I don’t really have much I could come up with for AoK. At some point, the more normal it became to do this end of day review, the more I started feeling guilty about it. It’s been motivating me to try and not rot all day, yknow? Which is important, I think, because I really needed something which naturally motivates me; that doesn’t feel forced. 

Part of this shift in perspective comes from the shift in how I’ve been viewing my AoK. Starting a few months ago, I’ve been treating it as a gratitude exercise. For example, a few weeks ago, I was at a restaurant that didn’t have mobility assistance on the doors. An older couple goes to leave, with the man pushing his partner on her wheelchair, trying to figure out how to get through the door. I get up, I help them through the doors, help them to their car, they go on their way. Act of kindness, boom. But instead of viewing it simply as such, I took the approach of “I am grateful I was able to help these people. It could have been anyone, but it also could have been no one, and as such, I am grateful I was where I was when I was, and that I had the chance to be kind”. 

It’s crazy how powerful this change of perspective has been on me. For one, it has made me a lot more conscious (and grateful) of the kindness that is offered towards me. On top of my own five AoKs that I reflect upon, I have included five AoKs that have been directed towards me by other people. “This stranger did this for me, and this stranger did this, and this stranger did this, and for all of these things I am grateful for these people”. This approach has made me extremely more appreciative towards these gestures, and also more aware of the areas in my life I can improve in such a way that gives back, if that makes sense?

I’ve also become more grateful for a lot of simpler things that I maybe take for granted. When I am grateful I had the opportunity to improve someone’s life, even if only for a moment, it ripples into everything necessary for it to happen. “I am grateful I got to hold this door open” turns into “I am grateful I was invited out to supper, I am grateful for the friends who invite me out to supper, I am grateful for opportunities that let me become friends with these individuals” all the way down to the base of “I am grateful I am alive today”. 

I am grateful I am alive today.

I need that. I need that mindset. That simple, basic mindset is the difference between me allowing myself to waste away versus me forcing myself to go outside, go for a walk, go to a movie, enjoy the sun, and live a little bit of life.

There is more I can add to this but it’s already a short novel, so I’ll likely be doing a part two sometime in the future. To end it, I am grateful for gratitude. And for all of you, if you didn’t know :)

Help Wanted

Something I’ve been missing more and more is lion dancing. Two of my favourite roles in the lion dance are the drum and the tail, and I’ve been working on them as much as I can on my own. Drumming is easy enough to practice on my own, but practicing the tail is trickier. 

I like the tail for how underrated it is. I think the tail is really important and can offer a lot to the dance outside of just matching the head. I like being invisible by doing more, I guess. When cats or other animals play and react, they move with their whole body. As such, I like giving the WHOLE lion a personality, since cats don’t react with just their faces, you know?

With that, this is a request for help. If anyone wants to practice being a head or work on parts of a dance, please reach out. Whether you have experience or not, I’d like to work with as many people as I can. I want to work on everything I can, from the fundamentals of the dance to things like stacks and rolls; so whatever you want to work on, please reach out!

Que Será, Será

I am having some issues with blogs right now. Like every idea I try to produce ends up only half finished, and I’m not sure where to take them? That’s pretty representative of how I’m feeling lately. Like things are all sorta thought out, but I can’t really put anything together or see anything through. There has been a lot of hesitation with my approach to, well, everything. Like I’m afraid to committing to one singular approach or ending, so rather I’m just leaving things unfinished (which is no way to do things either). It’s caused me a lot of stress over things like whether I’m capable of returning to kids classes or to lion dancing, to planning a cross-seas trip, to committing to projects, to working, to trying to take care of myself, to every little thing. Everything can go wrong. What if everything goes wrong?

I’m not one to believe in universal signs or anything like that, but I had a pretty weird week. I saw / heard the phrase “Que sera sera” like, everywhere. Song on the radio, poem of the day subscriptions, quotes in tv shows, it was everywhere. Like I kid you not, I counted over 10 separate, unrelated occurrences in which I experienced it over the last 7 days. As stubborn as I am, when something gets shoved in my face that much, it’s pretty hard to ignore. “Whatever will be, will be”. I’m also pretty sure that that’s the answer to what I’ve been struggling with lately. 

This is something I’ve had to remind myself of time and time again. I’ve blogged about this idea before, as well. What always helps me get through these periods of uncertainty is watching the stars. The coolest thing about star watching (for me) is that, across a seemingly infinite amount of space and vastness, I am so microscopically small yet everything is connected through me all at the same time. My line of sight acts as a nexus that connects galaxies and universes. I am significant. And yet, my incorrect decisions do not impact that phenomenon of space. At the end of the day, no matter what mistakes I make, those stars will still be in the sky. It will still all be okay. I am significant yet equally insignificant. Alas; whatever will be, will be. 

Confidence in One’s Abilities

I had three goals for this years Tiger Challenge. More of 3 priorities, even. In order, they were as follows 

1. I’ll compete in each of my events without withdrawing
2. I’ll be where I’m needed
3. Enjoy myself 

So with that said; I competed in my events, I was where I needed to be, and I didn’t cry, so I think I can write this year off as a roaring success. This was huge for two separate reasons. 

First was my performance (or lack thereof) last year. I competed in less than half of the events that I had signed up for before experiencing what my doctor surmised could have been a minor hypoglycaemic seizure. I has returned from my Ottawa training literally days before the tournament and to put it bluntly, that trip didn’t see a very healthy food-to-alcohol balance. I also didn’t eat that day and, in typical Simon fashion, pushed myself way too hard. On top of all that, I was dealing with worsening depression and anxiety along with the guilt and perceived isolation of feeling like I had to lie and hide it from the people who were closest to me at the time (I’m sorry).  A boiling point of long term depletion of glycogen and an onset of heavy physical and mental stress; it was too much for my mind and body to handle. I wanted to do better this year. I had to better this year. 

Or so I thought. 

The reality is, I was pretty much writing off the Tiger Challenge a couple months ago. I didn’t think it would be possible for me to compete, judge, or even breath if I was in that atmosphere. I felt like I was, once again, at rock bottom; how could I do better this year if I didn’t even have the motivation to try and be just okay, let alone better? One morning, several months ago, I came to the realization I had to do one of the following two things:

Make a simple list of goals to accomplish during the Tiger Challenge or plan an elaborate scheme which involved me conveniently being out of the country for the timeframe spanning the Tiger Challenge and the parade (because if I was missing one, I might as well go all in). Alas, I made the list (it took less planning) (Sifu Rybak was also consistently reminding me not to run away from Kung Fu). 

I actually put some thought into the list. Originally it was in reverse-order; enjoy myself then be where I’m needed then complete my events. And that was the plan up until like, literally 72 hours ago? I was so intent on hyping myself up to try and enjoy myself I feel like I lost sight of everything I gained leading up to the event. I was already enjoying myself again; the hours my fight choreo team spent on weekends and the time I spent after classes w Sihing Lindstrom were huge. I was laughing and having fun and I thought, why stress it? So I flipped priorities. 

I paced myself so I could do my events, and I went where I needed to be. I was super thankful for my opportunity to judge the level 2 adult events and about half of the black belt events. It gave me reassurance in my decision making abilities and confidence in who I am. This was the second big thing I gained. I felt a part of me I haven’t felt in, well, a long time. Not a part driven by a need for recognition or ego but more a part of me that’s happy just to be doing what I do. I’m so grateful. 

Tiring

The series of blogs I’ve been doing lately (the last two and the next couple) are focusing on my insecurities and other triggers, in an effort to identify and analyze them. My hope is to be able to use my blogs as a way to document what I am experiencing on the mats and how I am trying to overcome them, as well as opening the door for advice. They are very emotionally draining, though, and some may take me longer to write. This is a bit of a “break time” blog as I work on the next one. 

I really didn’t want to go to black belt class yesterday; I felt terrible and sick and just not okay. My cat and I took a nap at 5:30 (because I really wasn’t feeling like being awake and my cat wanted to cuddle so hey, two birds one stone), and I didn’t wake up until my dad called me at 7 asking if I was going to class with him. I said no. Eight minutes later I had dragged myself into the car. I made it to class and I took part in class, and I think that was pretty okay. I worry I didn’t retain what I needed to, but the fact that I still experienced it is better than the alternative. 

I’m thankful for the Tiger Challenge and for Sifu Rybaks ongoing support and encouragement because I probably wouldn’t have gone to class without them. My obligations to my partners really pushed me to show up, even if it wasn’t the easiest thing. I may need to find a new commitment once tiger challenge is over, but that’s a problem for later. My current goal is to submit my entry; I have tried thrice now to sign up but I can never seem to complete the application. I want to get that done by the end of today. 

I am also feeling a lot bit guilty over missing Tai Chi classes, but I am still focusing on my own practice and trying to get atleast 3 reps in during the week. I am working on my footwork and trying to apply what I have been given in previous parts.