Styles and Languages, Intent and Lessons

I made a little realization over the last couple of weeks that contributes another brick to my understanding of intent. Spoiler alert, it’s another analogy. 

The word “the” is a really important word in our English dictionary. Some would argue that it’s of the biggest words. I would guess that we all say it atleast several times a day; how could we function without? I am currently learning Swedish and guess what? As far as I am aware, they don’t use the word “the”. 

In Swedish, the word “a / an” can be translated to “en / ett”. For example, “en hund” is “a dog”, and “ett hus” is “a house”. The intent of these words is referring to a random singular amongst many of one type of object. For example, “you can take a dog with you” hints that there are several dogs you can choose from. 

To say “the dog” or “the house” in Swedish, you move the “en / ett” from in front of the word to behind it and apart of it. These words become “hunden” and “huset”, respectively. At this point, I realized that a word does not need a direct translation; it’s the intent of the word that needs to be translated. “The dog” refers to one dog amongst the plenty; “hunden” refers to one dog amongst the plenty. 

I think this can be tied to my understanding of different styles of Kung Fu; sometimes I try to make a very straightforward connection or linkage. “How does this punch translate to something new” turns into me looking for some new punch, but in reality it’s the intent of the punch I should look for. 

I’m not sure if this makes a lot of sense, but it has helped me a lot with my understanding of both Tai Chi and Snake over the last few weeks. 

Numbers (Last 7 Days)

Pushups

62-62-62-62-62-62-62 (little bits of consistency!)

Sit-ups 

62-62-62-62-62-62-62 (more consistency!)

AOK 

5 a day  

KM

16 total per last 7 days 

Cycles

It’s been a long week. A friend passed away on my birthday this year, which was a pretty harsh experience. While I have been processing my emotions and grieving how I need to grieve, I’ve had a lot of time to be in my own head. To keep myself from spiralling too much, I’ve been trying to observe the world around me with a separate perspective. 

I was thinking that everything in this world belonged to a cycle. Cycles are everywhere, but I’ve realized that they aren’t a part of absolutely everything. It’s true that life is a cycle; we all start the same and end the same, and then it “repeats” in someone else. But what about a persons memories? I think memories you share with a person are “linear”; they’re singular. They don’t repeat. The memories that my friend and I shared between just us, even something as little as walking down the hall or sharing a quick joke during class, those exist only for me now. When I go, they’ll be gone forever. Never to be reproduced or reflected on again. 

It gives me a new appreciation to the alter and the meaning of it. Lessons and knowledge are memories; as such, they are, in their base form, singular. However, they possess the ability to become part of a cycle. We learn, we develop, we teach. Those we teach, they learn, they develop, and then they teach. Makes sense?

I am trying to focus on identifying those linear aspects of my life; those things that do not automatically belong to a cycle. For certain things, like knowledge and insights, I am trying to allow both my own and others the opportunity to become a part of a cycle. Yet other things, like those memories I shared with my friend, the beauty of them is that they don’t belong to a cycle. They are fleeting and temporary; as such, they have so much value.  

Full Cup Feelin Empty

Ive struggling with my “emotional cup” lately. I always blame the season but I think there’s always a multitude of reasons. The biggest thing is that I’ve been taking on too much in an attempt to try and keep myself busy so I can’t fall into a state of self sabotage, and that inevitably backfires when it burns me out. At the same time, it almost feels like the lesser of two evils at this moment. 

As I try to address a lot of my ego-based habits and training, it causes my insecurities and anxiety to flair up in my face. It’s a shame you can’t address these kinds of things without actually addressing them.. bummer. Anyhow, this creates a negative feedback loop which always kicks me in the butt. The problem is, I don’t have the courage to power through some of these things on my own, but I am also stuck in the mindset that I need to do this sort of stuff on my own. That it has to be done on my own. 

At the end of the day, I feel like I have only just started to find 70% Simon and I’m already losing that balance. It feels like everything I actively pursue, I push away. Like, by pursuing strength and resilience and fortitude, it floats further and further away. 

I realize I am rambling a bit, I apologize. I guess what I am trying to say is, right now I am tired and frustrated and annoyed and upset. That my Kung Fu isn’t Kung Fuing how I want it to and how my brain isn’t braining how I want it to and how my progress isn’t progressing how I want it to and how I feel like I’m stuck in a rut and the most frustrating bit is that it’s really all in my head. 

It’s all perspective and mindfulness. But like everything else I am trying to pursue and figure out, the more I chase after perspective and “where am I, what am I doing”, the farther it seems to be. Even though I have been actively working with instructors to help me move in the right direction, I can’t help but feel demoralized all the same, yknow?

Side Kick Go Myroom

Since we focused on the side heel pretty extensively during the last week before break, I’ve been focusing on it and workshopping it a lot during break week. As far as kicks go, this is probably my least used of the primary three, so I think it’s important for me to really focus on it this way. 

One of my biggest “developments” in my side heel over the last decade, in my opinion, was the reduction of “phases” experienced in the side heel from 7 to 5. Initially, when walking through it step-by-step, I would go bow-crane-chamber-kick-chamber-crane-bow. At this point, the chamber was its own phase in the kick and took a lot of time to execute (relatively speaking). 

Now, I’ve mananged to turn the chamber into sort of a transition? I think? As in, instead of aiming to directly execute the chamber as a phase, I implement right at the start of the actual kick, so it sort of exists in-between phases. That was sort of just happening, and then I realized “what am I thinking when I do this?”. 

You know when you push reaaaaally hard on a skittle, and it shoots out and goes mrryoooooom across the room? I think that’s what’s happening. From my crane stance, the opening of my hips allows me to drive my kicking hip/knee down, and my foot goes mryooom. And ta-da! That’s my side heel. 

I think this has allowed me to focus on more of my harmonies, instead of tunnelvisioning on my foot. Like, initially, I was focusing simply on getting the kick out by going through the multitude of steps and it didn’t matter HOW I did it, all that mattered was the heel was out and the toes were down and the bag was rockin. Focusing on the mechanics behind the mryoom has let me see the slightly bigger picture. 

Numbers (per last 7)

Pushups 

40-200-20-100-80-144-80

Sit-ups

60-160-40-100-100-140-60

AOK

5 daily

KM (total last 7)

18

Lion Hugs

You know that feeling when you’re about to cry and break down and you’re doing EVERYTHING you can to hold it together and you’re doing so well, and then someone says “hey, what’s up” or gives you a hug and it all just falls apart? Maybe that’s too specific of an analogy (I’m sure someone will relate), but that’s what the lion feels like to me sometimes. 

Under the cloth is a very safe place to me. It’s warm, it’s soft, I can’t see anything, and best of all- I don’t exist. We talk about “tails needing to be invisible”. At the surface level, this means don't casper and keep up with the head. But while that makes you physically invisible, I think it still can cause a visible separation between head and tail. Not one people would identify, but maybe they would still notice. 

I try to be invisible by adding more. By making the lion seem more like one living breathing rather than two living sections. And for me, I think I like being invisible in the lion. Because it feels so safe, my emotions tend to catch up to me under the cloth. I start to crash more often when under the lion, but because people can’t physically see me, I can usually stay going. Moreso on autopilot, but oh whale. 

Will do another blog with numbers by end of weekend. 

Degrees of Separation

Something I have been experiencing lately is something of an "isolation". While it may simply be an ego-based mindset trying to take in all I can and inevitably hitting a wall with some things, I feel like it runs a little deeper than that. I recognize that my insecurities are mostly routed in narcissism and ego, and working on this is something I have been pretty dedicated to the last month or so. I won't lie, it has lead to a pretty nasty October. I mean, not a fan of October to begin with, but this seemed excessive. Of course, progress can only be made by moving forward, so that's definitely part of my plan. Part of that is identifying the different types of isolation I am feeling, I think.

Type 1: Emotional Isolation. I think this has been a big one over the last month. I think I am prone to letting bridges fall to ruin and not being a totally great person all in all. It has left me feeling as though I have no one to talk to about really anything in life; not the good or the bad. I have been reaching out to some of my friends more frequently to try and reestablish these relations, but it is easier to let a bridge fall apart then to build it up again. I guess it just all bottles up, you know? And I am really trying to avoid that as well.

Type 2: Physical Isolation. I feel like I have been trying to do too much physically and ended up doing not enough. I feel as though I am not where I think I am, nor am I on the path I think I should be. Like I am looking up a big mountain face and picturing myself climbing near the top, while in reality I still have both feet on solid ground. It's been a bit of a tough process grasping that I am not physically where I want to be. My plan for that one is to simply work harder, at this time.

Type 3: Mental Isolation. This one is hugely ego-based, that I recognize. But I feel like I am not on the same processing level as my peers. Like, I don't follow the questions being asked or the flow of conversations sometimes because it just doesn't fit. This is something I have addressed a little bit with Sifu Brinker recently. It is important for me to see the value in how I am comprehending things, not how other people are. That the value comes in how things are translated into Simons software. That said, it still feels like there is an isolation, or a "me against the world" feeling with some of my insights. Not sure if there is much I can do about that though, than realize I'm really not THAT special.

Type 4: Martial Isolation. This is basically a combination all of the above factors. For the most part, team activities. The lion, for example. I have been focusing on MY reasons for the lion, but it feels like I am putting a wall between me and whoever is my head. Over the past month, I have been working a little bit on three different things with three different people as the head. With each of these partners, it feels as though I am disrupting the "synapse" that exists between head and tail. Even if they may not recognize it, I feel like I am messing the whole thing up. A similar thing can be said for my forms; it feels like all my knowledge and beliefs are topsy-turvy lately. 

For addressing all of this, a big thing I have been trying to work on is empathy. I fear I am not the most empathetic of individuals and this needs to be fixed. I am aiming to be the person who can be relied on, I suppose? In all manners. And I feel as though empathy is the simple fix to each of these types of isolation. The thing is, how do I become more empathetic? How do I listen better? What should I do?

Numbers

Pushups (last 7 days)

60-40-60-181-80-40-120

Situps (last 7 days)

80-40-40-120-40-40-60

Forms (total last 7)

Katana: 16

Spear: 14

AoK (per last 7 days)

5-5-5-5-5-5-5

Where’s the wisdom?

It was one of those days where it feels like everything I said wasn’t right. One of the harder parts of being on the younger side of my job is the lack of experience. When working with the public, I work with people who have worked their industry for longer than my parents have known each other. When I enter these interactions, I try to brandish the fact that I’m inexperienced in a useful way. The only way to remedy it is to get experience, and an excellent source of experience are the people who know their jobs better than I know the back of my hand. 

Sometimes this doesn’t work, though. Sometimes there’s people who aren’t willing to go along with inexperience or take the opportunity to pass on experience, but rather choose to be spiteful. As much of a bummer as those people can be to deal with, it doesn’t change the fact that I have a job to do. 

I don’t always know the difference, however. Sometimes I can’t tell when someone is willing to teach me or if they simply want to bother me. It can be tricky; I can end up accidentally turning away good advice and wisdom through trying to tune out the negatives. I think this could be a side effect of the ego-based training tendency’s I am working on identifying. 

I would like to think every person and situation can have a learning opportunity attached. Even when the day ends up making you feel like a tiny little dust mite, there’s an opportunity to still become 1% better by the end of the day. Right now, I am working on being able to look past the negative emotions that cloud my vision and take sight of the little lessons that can be picked up. 

I also have reminded myself not to make these adjustments for the sake of addressing ego-based training, but to do it for the sake of my own health and benefit. No ends justifying means right now; just one step at a time, the here and now.