Silver Linings

I’ve been struggling to write a blog about my injury for, well, a long time. Since it started bugging me, I guess. And that was in the middle of summer. It’s one of those things where something seems to change every few days, and my views on one day are totally different than they are from a few days earlier. I’ve been frustrated with a lot, but here’s a few of my silver linings.  

I think, for the first time ever, I have questions. I think an injury has the ability to greatly increase a persons eye for detail; at full health, things come super easy. A good example of this is slipping (ie slipping away from a punch), which is something we’ve done a lot of in the Sanda seminar. I’ve come to realize that I usually slip with my upper body (above my waist level); it originated from my lower back. Or at the very least, it was hybridized. Slightly enough that it wasn’t noticeable, but enough to take away my effectiveness. Now, when I try to slip that way, it hurts my back. This helped generate a question about proper slipping technique, which got me an answer that clicked a lot of things together that I didn’t even realize could go together.  

I can try and chalk this notice up to eye for detail, but in reality, my body did most of the work. We always talk about “listening to our bodies”; I think that’s easier for me to do when my body is screaming at me (who would have thought?). However, because I had this laid out so clearly for me by my body, I was actually able to make the connections and learn something. If I was healthy, I probably never would have reached that point. 

This seems like a good spot to include a few pieces of guidance I’ve received from some of the master instructors over the last few months. The first is to not be afraid to modify techniques if I can’t do them properly, but always be conscious of the modification and visualize the proper technique. In essence, one of the many manifestations of mindfulness in repetitions. This has been instrumental for my development in Tai Chi; there are techniques I was finally figuring out how to do properly, but I no longer can do without bothering my back. Instead of losing this progress, I am gaining through the mindful repetitions. Another guidance I received was to, in essence, work backwards, make connections; what am I doing that makes things sore or uncomfortable, and what am I doing in everything that leads up to it. It’s hard to put to words in the way I was told, but that’s the essence of it. 

What Am I Thinking?

I’ve been struggling with my blogs lately. It’s been a little over a month since my last post, and it’s not like I haven’t had anything to write. I’ve actually had so much I’ve written and that I’ve been able to write about, I just haven’t been able to post anything. I struggle with online communication, for sure. Anyone who has seen my phone can vouch that at any time I have over 200 unopened messages, 20 missed calls, stuff like that. That said, I don’t fully miss things that often. I’ve read nearly every blog posted this year; it can be difficult for me to do things as simple as react or comment, however. I suppose this manifests itself in doing harm to the team as a byproduct of my struggles. It hurts me that I seem to struggle more than not. This year has had a huge focus on recovery and consistency, but it hasn’t been perfect. This last month especially, I’ve been working at a solid 35-40%. It’s not super, but it’s still progress over the day-by-day “one days he’s at 10%, the next he’s at 90%, then he’s back at 10%” kinda approach I had before. 

I’ve been thinking about the IHC next year. I’ve got a lot of mixed feelings; I had already submitted my goals and gotten them thumbs-upped and discussed, so obviously my intention was to be a part of the team. The more I think about it, however, the more I realize that I don’t think I need to join the team next year. 

Like I said, I already have my personal goals set out (which are developments of my personal goals from this past year). I fully intend on continuing my physical numbers, creating my sword forms, writing my blogs, doing my gratitude, and everything else I’ve been doing, whether or not I join the team. As far as falling off the wagon goes, I’m not worried about that too much either. I’ve had a one-on-one every week for the past year or so now. I don’t plan on changing that; I’ve gained a lot from my one-on-ones. I get the opportunity to have flowing conversations with the master instructors that I gain more out of as opposed to simply asking a question and having it answered. There are so many things ive learnt about this past year simply because we talk freely (this is a reminder to book one on ones!). I also get the opportunity to sneak into the Kwoon on my own once or twice a week to practice; I don’t plan on changing that either. I cherish the opportunities to practice uninhibited, to vacuum the Kwoon when I get the chances, and to work with the individuals who have been joining me (thank you!). 

Overall, there has been a lot of talk about the change that is happening and the good the change brings, but I don’t think that’s how I want to phrase it. I don’t think anything’s going to change for me, per se. Things will continue to improve and grow and my progress will continue to blaze forward, but I don’t think “change” is quite the right word. Because of all of this, I’m leaning more and more towards not reapplying to join the team next year; I have everything I need to be successful on my own. 

I might still be struggling often, but i won’t let that take away from me recognizing my successes and what I have built with the IHC. While I enjoy being on the team, I genuinely don’t think my year will be any different whether I choose to join it or not. 

I might try to post some of the blogs I’ve written over the last month during this next week, but they’re pretty jumbled thoughts so I might need to edit here and there. I’m more so musing at this point?