Full Cup Feelin Empty

Ive struggling with my “emotional cup” lately. I always blame the season but I think there’s always a multitude of reasons. The biggest thing is that I’ve been taking on too much in an attempt to try and keep myself busy so I can’t fall into a state of self sabotage, and that inevitably backfires when it burns me out. At the same time, it almost feels like the lesser of two evils at this moment. 

As I try to address a lot of my ego-based habits and training, it causes my insecurities and anxiety to flair up in my face. It’s a shame you can’t address these kinds of things without actually addressing them.. bummer. Anyhow, this creates a negative feedback loop which always kicks me in the butt. The problem is, I don’t have the courage to power through some of these things on my own, but I am also stuck in the mindset that I need to do this sort of stuff on my own. That it has to be done on my own. 

At the end of the day, I feel like I have only just started to find 70% Simon and I’m already losing that balance. It feels like everything I actively pursue, I push away. Like, by pursuing strength and resilience and fortitude, it floats further and further away. 

I realize I am rambling a bit, I apologize. I guess what I am trying to say is, right now I am tired and frustrated and annoyed and upset. That my Kung Fu isn’t Kung Fuing how I want it to and how my brain isn’t braining how I want it to and how my progress isn’t progressing how I want it to and how I feel like I’m stuck in a rut and the most frustrating bit is that it’s really all in my head. 

It’s all perspective and mindfulness. But like everything else I am trying to pursue and figure out, the more I chase after perspective and “where am I, what am I doing”, the farther it seems to be. Even though I have been actively working with instructors to help me move in the right direction, I can’t help but feel demoralized all the same, yknow?

Side Kick Go Myroom

Since we focused on the side heel pretty extensively during the last week before break, I’ve been focusing on it and workshopping it a lot during break week. As far as kicks go, this is probably my least used of the primary three, so I think it’s important for me to really focus on it this way. 

One of my biggest “developments” in my side heel over the last decade, in my opinion, was the reduction of “phases” experienced in the side heel from 7 to 5. Initially, when walking through it step-by-step, I would go bow-crane-chamber-kick-chamber-crane-bow. At this point, the chamber was its own phase in the kick and took a lot of time to execute (relatively speaking). 

Now, I’ve mananged to turn the chamber into sort of a transition? I think? As in, instead of aiming to directly execute the chamber as a phase, I implement right at the start of the actual kick, so it sort of exists in-between phases. That was sort of just happening, and then I realized “what am I thinking when I do this?”. 

You know when you push reaaaaally hard on a skittle, and it shoots out and goes mrryoooooom across the room? I think that’s what’s happening. From my crane stance, the opening of my hips allows me to drive my kicking hip/knee down, and my foot goes mryooom. And ta-da! That’s my side heel. 

I think this has allowed me to focus on more of my harmonies, instead of tunnelvisioning on my foot. Like, initially, I was focusing simply on getting the kick out by going through the multitude of steps and it didn’t matter HOW I did it, all that mattered was the heel was out and the toes were down and the bag was rockin. Focusing on the mechanics behind the mryoom has let me see the slightly bigger picture. 

Numbers (per last 7)

Pushups 

40-200-20-100-80-144-80

Sit-ups

60-160-40-100-100-140-60

AOK

5 daily

KM (total last 7)

18

Lion Hugs

You know that feeling when you’re about to cry and break down and you’re doing EVERYTHING you can to hold it together and you’re doing so well, and then someone says “hey, what’s up” or gives you a hug and it all just falls apart? Maybe that’s too specific of an analogy (I’m sure someone will relate), but that’s what the lion feels like to me sometimes. 

Under the cloth is a very safe place to me. It’s warm, it’s soft, I can’t see anything, and best of all- I don’t exist. We talk about “tails needing to be invisible”. At the surface level, this means don't casper and keep up with the head. But while that makes you physically invisible, I think it still can cause a visible separation between head and tail. Not one people would identify, but maybe they would still notice. 

I try to be invisible by adding more. By making the lion seem more like one living breathing rather than two living sections. And for me, I think I like being invisible in the lion. Because it feels so safe, my emotions tend to catch up to me under the cloth. I start to crash more often when under the lion, but because people can’t physically see me, I can usually stay going. Moreso on autopilot, but oh whale. 

Will do another blog with numbers by end of weekend.