Degrees of Separation

Something I have been experiencing lately is something of an "isolation". While it may simply be an ego-based mindset trying to take in all I can and inevitably hitting a wall with some things, I feel like it runs a little deeper than that. I recognize that my insecurities are mostly routed in narcissism and ego, and working on this is something I have been pretty dedicated to the last month or so. I won't lie, it has lead to a pretty nasty October. I mean, not a fan of October to begin with, but this seemed excessive. Of course, progress can only be made by moving forward, so that's definitely part of my plan. Part of that is identifying the different types of isolation I am feeling, I think.

Type 1: Emotional Isolation. I think this has been a big one over the last month. I think I am prone to letting bridges fall to ruin and not being a totally great person all in all. It has left me feeling as though I have no one to talk to about really anything in life; not the good or the bad. I have been reaching out to some of my friends more frequently to try and reestablish these relations, but it is easier to let a bridge fall apart then to build it up again. I guess it just all bottles up, you know? And I am really trying to avoid that as well.

Type 2: Physical Isolation. I feel like I have been trying to do too much physically and ended up doing not enough. I feel as though I am not where I think I am, nor am I on the path I think I should be. Like I am looking up a big mountain face and picturing myself climbing near the top, while in reality I still have both feet on solid ground. It's been a bit of a tough process grasping that I am not physically where I want to be. My plan for that one is to simply work harder, at this time.

Type 3: Mental Isolation. This one is hugely ego-based, that I recognize. But I feel like I am not on the same processing level as my peers. Like, I don't follow the questions being asked or the flow of conversations sometimes because it just doesn't fit. This is something I have addressed a little bit with Sifu Brinker recently. It is important for me to see the value in how I am comprehending things, not how other people are. That the value comes in how things are translated into Simons software. That said, it still feels like there is an isolation, or a "me against the world" feeling with some of my insights. Not sure if there is much I can do about that though, than realize I'm really not THAT special.

Type 4: Martial Isolation. This is basically a combination all of the above factors. For the most part, team activities. The lion, for example. I have been focusing on MY reasons for the lion, but it feels like I am putting a wall between me and whoever is my head. Over the past month, I have been working a little bit on three different things with three different people as the head. With each of these partners, it feels as though I am disrupting the "synapse" that exists between head and tail. Even if they may not recognize it, I feel like I am messing the whole thing up. A similar thing can be said for my forms; it feels like all my knowledge and beliefs are topsy-turvy lately. 

For addressing all of this, a big thing I have been trying to work on is empathy. I fear I am not the most empathetic of individuals and this needs to be fixed. I am aiming to be the person who can be relied on, I suppose? In all manners. And I feel as though empathy is the simple fix to each of these types of isolation. The thing is, how do I become more empathetic? How do I listen better? What should I do?

Numbers

Pushups (last 7 days)

60-40-60-181-80-40-120

Situps (last 7 days)

80-40-40-120-40-40-60

Forms (total last 7)

Katana: 16

Spear: 14

AoK (per last 7 days)

5-5-5-5-5-5-5

Where’s the wisdom?

It was one of those days where it feels like everything I said wasn’t right. One of the harder parts of being on the younger side of my job is the lack of experience. When working with the public, I work with people who have worked their industry for longer than my parents have known each other. When I enter these interactions, I try to brandish the fact that I’m inexperienced in a useful way. The only way to remedy it is to get experience, and an excellent source of experience are the people who know their jobs better than I know the back of my hand. 

Sometimes this doesn’t work, though. Sometimes there’s people who aren’t willing to go along with inexperience or take the opportunity to pass on experience, but rather choose to be spiteful. As much of a bummer as those people can be to deal with, it doesn’t change the fact that I have a job to do. 

I don’t always know the difference, however. Sometimes I can’t tell when someone is willing to teach me or if they simply want to bother me. It can be tricky; I can end up accidentally turning away good advice and wisdom through trying to tune out the negatives. I think this could be a side effect of the ego-based training tendency’s I am working on identifying. 

I would like to think every person and situation can have a learning opportunity attached. Even when the day ends up making you feel like a tiny little dust mite, there’s an opportunity to still become 1% better by the end of the day. Right now, I am working on being able to look past the negative emotions that cloud my vision and take sight of the little lessons that can be picked up. 

I also have reminded myself not to make these adjustments for the sake of addressing ego-based training, but to do it for the sake of my own health and benefit. No ends justifying means right now; just one step at a time, the here and now. 

can I be scared?

The fall is a hard time of year for me. I can pretty definitely say it’s my least favourite season. I don’t like the sound of dried leaves rustling on concrete or crunching beneath feet, I don’t like how dark the nights feel, I don’t like the chill that comes in the wind, so on and so forth. 

It all has this tendency to make my anxiety to go nuts (I think?). It makes me feel like there’s a cold skeletony hand grasped around my heart and I can’t move. It’s like my I lose control of my brain and body and all I can do is let things go to autopilot for the time being. Like I shove it deep down and ignore it for as long as I can because I’m too embarrassed to address it. 

I’m having a hard time letting go of negativity. Like, the solution should be to embrace all of the little miracles in the circumstances which dig me into the ground. But it’s hard to just.. ignore it, you know? I know the colours of the leaves are pretty. I know pumpkin spice is a flavour that gets eagerly awaited for a whole year. I know people love the spooky of Halloween and the aesthetic of fall and I can understand why people love it. I just wish I wasn’t scared of it, I guess. 

Is fear even a valid emotion in situations like these? Am I even allowed to be afraid of something so trivial? I think I’m doing a good job at not letting it dictate my life at the moment, but it’s still there. It’s still in the back of my mind. It’s still a little ghost that haunts me. Can I justify I’m pushing towards the best state of my life if I don’t address the little ghost? I have no idea, crew. I hate spooky things. I don’t wanna address it. 

At the end of the day, I think it’s just that. Another day. There are times where I really thrive on the “one more day” mindset, for better or for worse. As long as I get through one more day, I’m still moving forwards. 

I hope 

Hard Reset

 Lately, I have come to recognize that I am not in the best shape of my life. Not physically and not mentally. Over the last year or so, I have been working on a lot of small improvements and pushing myself to that best shape. However, I think at some point that became an excuse for mediocrity and I ended up becoming stagnant. In the last six months, my "small adjustments for the better" have seemed to fizzled out, and I think I was trying to hide this from myself. 

As such, I decided it was a good point for a hard reset in the way I do things. To start off, I totally deleted all of my social medias Friday night. This has given me chances to go for walks and work on actual productive things as opposed to getting stuck in a social media wormhole for who knows how long. Another thing I have been working on is trying to increase my water intake; I have begun to carry my water bottle around with me and have found that it has been a huge help. By simply being more hydrated, I feel fresher, less groggy, and less sluggish most of the time. 

I am also trying to stabilize my sleep schedule, my physical activity, and my diet. I am approaching these in baby steps; I have had the phrase "one percent better, every day" ringing in my head for some time now, and I am trying to live by that. I want this to also present itself in my Kung Fu. As my passion renews, I believe my progress will as well.

Numbers (last seven days)

Pushups: 20-40-40-80-140-140-100

Situps: 20-40-40-80-200-200-200

AoK - 5 daily

Tai Chi Tuning

Over the past few months in Tai Chi, I have had the opportunity to lead warm-ups and the occasional first run-through of the form. The first time I that I received this opportunity, it occurrend as a result of nothing but a perfect alignment of mishaps (per chance). However, after realizing the benefit I was gaining from it and speaking with Sifu Dennis, she has been kind enough to allow me to continue with warm ups every once and a while. 

The biggest benefit I find with these is the mindfulness is causes me to have; when partaking in the warmup, it’s easy for me to get lost in the motion and just coast through quickly. Being at the front, I have to be careful to move not at my pace, but in a pace that benefits the class. It forces me to slow down and focus on what I am doing, and what is happening right there. In the here and now. 

My Tai Chi isn’t advancing the way I thought it would be, but it’s advancing in ways I hadn’t realized were possible. It has a long way to go, but this extra boost to motivation and mindfulness have really done wonders over the last month or so. Cheers to progress!!