For those who are new to the team, something I have talked about in previous blogs is my struggle with anxiety. I’ll be touching on it with this post.
This has been a very rough start to a year for me. While I have managed to keep my physical numbers in a decent place, it feels as though my mental health has been slowly declining over the last six months or so. While there have been several reasons for this that I have identified and have been working to remediate, a recent discovery has been a very painful thorn in my side.
I had been trying to figure out why my anxiety spikes as frequently as it does at Kung Fu. It was honestly concerning me; why did it seem like my safe space was triggering me? Something else I’ve been struggling with lately is a high heart rate; this elevates even further while doing my Kung Fu. And then, on literally the last class of the rabbit year (like literally the last class on the last Thursday), it occurred to me. My anxiety appears to be related to the fluctuation of my heart rate.
As my heart rate goes up, my anxiety goes up. As my anxiety goes up, my heart rate goes up. See, it appears I’ve caught myself in a rather nasty loop. So lately, over the last month, I’ve been trying to work on keeping my heart rate at a steady level. But.. it really hasn’t been working.
My style of Kung Fu, the way I personalize my art, the way I move and operate, it is based around my intent and my intensity. It’s part of my identity. However.. I cannot channel my intensity without slamming my heart rate to the roof. I’m at the point where it’s really starting to bug me… and I think the fact that I am conscious of it is making it worse.
I have panic attacks multiple times a week at the Kwoon, it feels like. I’m getting frustrated. I’m getting upset. I don’t want to change how I do things. I realize it may be immature of me, but I want a way to keep doing things my way without the consequences. I’ve started seeing my doctor and I’m working on a medical solution but for the time being, I am limited.
This post became a bit of a rant, I apologize. I just.. I guess I’m not having as much fun anymore as I thought I would be. And that upsets me even more.
Numbers will come on tomorrows post.
Typically cardiovascular exercise helps with symptoms of anxiety. I have experienced panic attacks in the past. Though it can be correlated with a high heart rate/high blood pressure, having a high heart rate usually won’t be the sole cause of anxiety.
ReplyDeleteLikely there’s something else going on, and hopefully whatever medication will provide space for you to work that out.
^^^^^^^ What Nigel said exactly. All of us love for you intensity and your style of Kung Fu. It is awesome that you are taking it step by step to understand instead of just powering through. Take time for yourself if need be, we will all be here with you and for you man.
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