Trajectory

“Trajectory” was a word used frequently during the last 2nd degree class. It is very easy for me to become disillusioned with the day-to-day results (or lack of results) when trying to measure my progress. As mentioned in previous posts, progress is something that terrifies me. Progress is bigger than me. Progress is merciless in showing you the fruit of your effort. For some, it can be the greatest motivator. For others, it can cripple. Regardless of what observing progress does for you as an individual, it does not change the fact that it is inevitable. To put it remarkably bluntly, nothing ever remains constant. As such, if you do not progress forwards, you may end up progressing backwards. 

I do not like seeing my progress. Do not get me wrong; I still value it. I value what I learn from observing my progress. But I do not like simply observing it. I fail to see the progress itself, and get stuck on the “it could have been better”. However, using the concept of trajectory forces me to see the bigger picture. It connects each of my dots, you could say. When I observe my numbers and videos of my forms, I observe them as simple “data points”. Snapshots in time, if you will. I was there, and now I am here. But why am I not over here? What did I do wrong? 

By connecting those dots and following my trajectory, it not only allows me to see where I came from but it also allows me to see where I am going (should I continue to train and study the way I currently am). By visualizing the actual movement of my progress, by seeing the direction I am moving in, I can overcome the “why am I not at this point” feelings. Why? Because my trajectory shows me that those points are still on the path ahead. 

Numbers are in yesterday's post; as everything I just said is a work in progress, I am still aiming to look at my total numbers roughly only once a week, for personal reasons.  

Creation and Presentation

Beta form day is something I enjoy. It’s complicated to describe; even though I get nervous, it doesn’t affect me the same way it used to. I think this is because I have gotten into the habit of simply doing my forms the way I have practiced, instead of trying to present (although I suppose that’s the whole point, huh?). After all, the beta form is a chance to show off your hard work, not your finished product. That said, I have always been in the habit of trying to reach the point that, by beta, I am showing off something closer to a “finished product” form as opposed to the accumulation of hard work. 

I am enjoying my spear form. However, I have definitely been limited with my creative freedom. At present, I feel like ~80% of the form has been directly adapted from either the school spear form or from the Wudang monk spade form. I initially chose the spear because I believe there is a lot I can do with it in terms of originality and creativity. However, the spear I bought is not the spear I intended to do and as such, I have definitely had to change my process a little bit. I struggle with heavy weapons; they do not work the way I want them to. In fact, the only weapon form I had to learn from someone else as opposed to creating myself was the monk spade- after toying with it for a few weeks, I realized I was lacking creative flow and decided to take Sihing Beckett up on her offer to learn the Wudang form. 

Ultimately, I have found myself in the same boat with this heavy sword-spear. While I have not been able to generate the same originality I would have liked, I am not disappointed with my experience. To be entirely honest, I do not recall the monk spade form in its entirety anymore. However, as I progress my spear form, I find myself in positions where muscle memory kicks in, and I rediscover a part of the monk spade form I had previously forgotten. This has brought me to the point where, with a little bit of guidance, I believe I have the ability to piece together the whole of the monk spade form again. Being able to help Sidai S Csillag learn the school spear form has also helped me; while I have always been able to retain the school spear form and have taught it to others before, teaching it while working on my own spear form has managed to connect several dots for me that I didn't know had even existed. 

Regarding my katana form, I am also pleased with it. I decided to continue working on the form I created last year; this is ultimately because one year did not feel sufficient enough in coming close to mastery. The katana is a popular weapon in pop culture, media, and society. That provides me with lots of inspiration and instruction, as well as the motivation to keep pushing to become better with it. The katana is also the weapon that manifests itself closest to my personal style and as such, I believe I gain a lot out of it. 

Teaching it is also beneficial. I have never taught one of my personal forms before and by teaching this one to Toudai Csillag, it has opened up whole new layers of the form I had completely overlooked. Metaphorically, it has allowed me to sharpen and clarify a blurry picture. What I mean by that is such; my form relies a lot on my visualizations manifesting into my intent. By keeping my visualizations as consistent as possible, I can keep my intent as consistent as possible. However, I am not perfect. There are many instances in my form where the specific move I do changes with every reputation, depending on my intent in that given second. Left foot vs right foot forwards, pull the sword in front vs to the hip, does my hand switch grips or not, stuff like that.

These little “inconsistencies” are not something I was opposed to. And while I am still not entirely opposed to them, I do not believe they embody the purpose of a form. With that said, recognizing these inconsistent moves and finalizing what they should be has actually allowed me to gain a better understanding of my intent. I do not know if this is something that would have occurred if I was not teaching the form to someone else. Because of this, I am grateful. You know what they say; the best way to learn something is to teach it. Who knew this applied to something you created yourself?

The last point to bring up is that I have begun doing reps of my form with my live blade (carefully, of course). This has provided me with a whole new respect for the weapon. I have moves I never thought twice about while using my practice blades that I have had to slow down and relearn with renewed precision. The increased weight has shown me both the impracticality and practicality of certain moves, and overall it has allowed me to increase my overall ability. 

Long story short? I am pleased with both of my forms and their progress. 

Numbers

Situps: 3940 / 50000

Pushups: 5170 / 50000

AoK: 168 / 1000

Katana: 71 / 1000

Sword Spear: 88 / 1000

Sparring: 66 / 1000

Distance (km): 102.75 / 1609

Blogs: 8

Personal

Tai Chi (reps): 24 / 250

Tai Chi (unexcused absences): 0 / 0

Stretching (hrs): 16.75 / 150

MMCs: 1 / 10

Ski Trips: 1 / 4

Volunteering: 0 / 3

Why Am I Here?

This is a question I don’t think I like. Atleast, when I first heard it, I didn’t like it. Reading all of the blogs answering this question, there’s a lot of similar yet extremely diverse answers. So what’s mine?

For one.. I fall in the group who doesn’t really know anything else. I started as a child where Kung Fu was my primary extracurricular growing up. It has become fundamental to how I live and function, and an asset to my life. Why? Because I don’t remember what life was like before Kung Fu. Even though I was 8 when I joined, I still don’t really remember much before that time. 

That feels like a really poor answer, though. “I’m here because I don’t know how to not be here”. I mean, I was mostly gone for several years recently, but I still ended up back on the mats. It’s who I am. I can spend the rest of the blog explaining all of the benefits to being here, all of the discipline and respect it has provided me. But I am a simple and straightforward person. I suppose it would be best for me to ultimately give a simple and straightforward answer. So why am I here? 

It’s because it’s where I belong. 

Numbers

Situps: 3090 / 50000

Pushups: 3920 / 50000

AoK: 138 / 1000

Katana: 60 / 1000

Sword Spear: 75 / 1000

Sparring: 54 / 1000

Distance (km): 80.75 / 1609

Blogs: 7 / 52

Personal

Tai Chi (reps): 22 / 250

Tai Chi (unexcused absences): 0 / 0

Stretching (hrs): 14.5 / 150

MMCs: 1 / 10

Ski Trips: 1 / 4

Volunteering: 0 / 3

Identity Crisis

For those who are new to the team, something I have talked about in previous blogs is my struggle with anxiety. I’ll be touching on it with this post.

This has been a very rough start to a year for me. While I have managed to keep my physical numbers in a decent place, it feels as though my mental health has been slowly declining over the last six months or so. While there have been several reasons for this that I have identified and have been working to remediate, a recent discovery has been a very painful thorn in my side.

I had been trying to figure out why my anxiety spikes as frequently as it does at Kung Fu. It was honestly concerning me; why did it seem like my safe space was triggering me? Something else I’ve been struggling with lately is a high heart rate; this elevates even further while doing my Kung Fu. And then, on literally the last class of the rabbit year (like literally the last class on the last Thursday), it occurred to me. My anxiety appears to be related to the fluctuation of my heart rate.

As my heart rate goes up, my anxiety goes up. As my anxiety goes up, my heart rate goes up. See, it appears I’ve caught myself in a rather nasty loop. So lately, over the last month, I’ve been trying to work on keeping my heart rate at a steady level. But.. it really hasn’t been working.

My style of Kung Fu, the way I personalize my art, the way I move and operate, it is based around my intent and my intensity. It’s part of my identity. However.. I cannot channel my intensity without slamming my heart rate to the roof. I’m at the point where it’s really starting to bug me… and I think the fact that I am conscious of it is making it worse. 

I have panic attacks multiple times a week at the Kwoon, it feels like. I’m getting frustrated. I’m getting upset. I don’t want to change how I do things. I realize it may be immature of me, but I want a way to keep doing things my way without the consequences. I’ve started seeing my doctor and I’m working on a medical solution but for the time being, I am limited. 

This post became a bit of a rant, I apologize. I just.. I guess I’m not having as much fun anymore as I thought I would be. And that upsets me even more.

Numbers will come on tomorrows post.

Monthly Mini Challenge - March

Heyo team!

As we are now into March, I will be officially issuing this years first Monthly Mini Challenge! Without further ado…

20 Form Reps!

While this could be a good chance to up your numbers or hammer out your beta form, I strongly encourage you to play around with different forms!

For those new to the MMC or unfamiliar with the rules, this challenge is meant to be completed in a 24h time period of your choosing (although the sooner, the better). The challenge is also just a baseline- if you are capable of doing more, I encourage you to do so. On the same note, if you will injure yourself or strain your body trying to reach this goal, please pace yourself! 

With open training tomorrow, this is a good chance for many to get on the mats for forms. Best of luck!

Does it Kerchunk?

When working with forms, I think I have a bad tendency to lose myself in my intent. I think this is an asset for my own personal forms, but it can cause difficulty with school forms or other “preset” sequences. For example, my Snake form looks very different in comparison to the source material; I believe my intent has caused me to develop the form uniquely. Is that a good thing? I really do not know, but I am guessing it isn’t the best? Either way, it is something I am cognizant of.

It does work for me in certain spots, though. I find that my intent often allows for better unison between my six harmonies; as I channel my intent, I believe my harmonies start to work better together and that increases the timing and precision of some of my techniques. It is tricky to put into words, I apologize. The easiest example is primarily with moves that require a stance change; as I visualize my intent, my body reacts with a “kerchunk”. As my visualization clarifies, my kinetic representation locks into place all at once. Like, everything hums at volumes which increase at impact points, before landing in a kerchunk. For example, for the first three-ish moves of Lao Gar (up until the double back-fist), my body sounds something like sheeew-kerchunk. Sheeew POW sheeeeewwww kerchunk. Does that make sense? 

Basically, my physical comprehension of a move comes from my ability to isolate the kerchunk and making sure the entirety of my body is all kerchunking at once. And voila! Six harmonies! Unfortunately, this doesn’t always work. I cannot seem to isolate the kerchunk in super flowy moves. An example of this is a drunken stepping technique used in the Wudang Monk Spade form. Even though I struggle with the flow of it, I have adapted the move into my sword-spear form. Is it going to look the way it is supposed to? Probably not. But alas! It’s mine now, mwahahahahaha. And I am going to MAKE it mine. 

On a side note, my numbers have slowed a little as a result of sickness and isolation in the last week. Still improving, and this is a point that would have terminated my motivation in previous years, so look at me go! *pat on my back*

Numbers

Situps: 2290 / 50000

Pushups: 3000 / 50000

AoK: 116 / 1000

Katana: 45 / 1000

Sword Spear: 57 / 1000

Sparring: 46 / 1000

Distance (km): 54.5 / 1609

Blogs: 4 / 52

Personal

Tai Chi (reps): 17 / 250

Tai Chi (unexcused absences): 0 / 0

Stretching (hrs): 10.25 / 150

MMCs: 0 / 10

Ski Trips: 0 / 4

Volunteering: 0 / 3