A Collection of Yesterdays Thoughts

Saturday went as well as I could have hoped. I messed up one of my forms a little bit and my other form a lot bit, but I still pushed through and did the best I could to convince the audience I knew what I was doing. I know what went wrong with each of my forms, and it’s something I can take into account for the future. 

I am grateful for the opportunity I had to be a part of the dragon. While I intend to maintain my commitment to the lion, maybe I should sub in to whatever spots I can for the dragon more and gain more familiarity with it, shake off all the rust and what not. I am very impressed with the current team and what they are capable of, especially with how quickly put-together everything felt. 

This dance was a good reminder to me of some of the beliefs I have that had slipped into the corners of my mind. It helped me remember that I fully believe there is no one spot on the dragon that is more important or more difficult than another; while certain sections (such as head and tail) seem more pivotal, every piece has a responsibility and a duty to fulfill, and the requirements for the pieces vary significantly the further you go down the line. Moves like the triangle are only possible when EVERY piece pulls off what they need to do; if one piece has the ability to throw everything off like that, I believe it makes them very important. 

Another thought I had was that my lion tail philosophy (“invisibility through increased visibility”) is rooted in the dragon. The more you shimmer the dragon, the more you move your feet, the more you exert, the less visible you as a person are. However, like the lion, this needs to be done in moderation and unity. If you’re the only person adding that extra flair, you become much more visible to the audience.

Over the years, with both the lion and the dragon, I have begun to put a lot of value on the idea that “no one spot is more important  than another”. I recognize some spots may be more necessary than another, but I think every position has an unparalleled importance. Every spot on the dragon, both head and tail in the lion, the Buddha, the drum, it’s all essential and I believe in performing in such a way that expresses it. It’s been a big area of study the last few years and I am grateful for it.  

Ingrained Muscle Memory

Over the last week, Sihing Burke and I have started working on the head stack with the lion. I have now worked on this over the last two years with three different heads; despite this, there is not much change to “proper technique” or what I have to do as a tail (who would have thought). Something that has stood out to me during this practice is how involuntary muscle memory is. 

All of the proper stacking technique I established (but didn’t have the chance to ingrain) two years ago has vanished; but I’m aware of what needs to change. I didn’t even need to look at the videos we took to tell what I was doing wrong; I knew right away. It’s like when you throw a really bad kick and you’re like “oh yeah, I know exactly what went wrong”. It’s mostly timing issues too, stuff I hone with practice and repetition. The only issue is that making those adjustments and ingraining that muscle memory is a much more arduous process with a stack as opposed to a kick; I can throw more kicks in an hour than I can perform stacks in a year, it feels like. 

Another interesting realization for me along this topic came with the opportunity to help briefly with the dragon during practice Wednesday night. I was the tail of the dragon for about 3 years from 2015-2018, give or take. That was also a time where we did a lot of dragon practice; jumping into the tail on Wednesday after 7 years didn’t feel foreign at all. A lot of the subtle movements (what to move, where to move, when to move, how to move) came back super naturally. 

It was interesting to see how muscle memory came back for something I practiced for 3 years after a 7 year absence, over something I practiced for a few months over a year long absence. 

Hollow

These last two weeks have been pretty tough, especially on my mental state. That might seem strange, considering everything that has been on the go, but I think that everything on the go is the cause. I have had a lot of stress and emotions that have popped in and out these last two weeks. 

Back to school week had a lot of the usual hubbub and activity, but it left me feeling empty at the ends of the days. Like, I felt fulfilled doing the work I did, but I felt hollow after I had gone home every day. It was a big mix of isolation, regret, sadness, and frustration. I’ve been trying to determine what is causing these feelings, but addressing negative feelings, well, often begets more negative feelings. 

There’s also been a lot of anxiety and stress in my work and personal life lately. I’ve been losing sleep a lot more drastically and suddenly lately. This leads to headaches, fevers, foul moods, and funny enough, more negative emotions. 

I think the hardest thing right now is working on maintaining good health habits and pushing through this slump. I am really, really, REALLY struggling with pushing myself to get up and do a handful of pushups or sit-ups. I was able to get into the Kwoon and work on a few things over the weekend, but even in the Kwoon environment my efforts felt aimless and lacking mindfulness. 

To tally my successes, though, I recognize two fields I was able to get meaningful practice into. I did a lot of drumming this weekend, a lot of mental imagery of how the lion matches the drum. It helped me connect some dots on what I’ve been working on with the lion and the direction I need to go in. I also began playing a little with a weapon I intend for next year (it may seem like jumping the gun, but the change of pace definitely pulled me into a state that made it easier to do my current forms). I also recognize I need to practice a lot more in preparation for next years weapon, as I currently am thinking of doing an offhand sword form. I am excited for it. 

I guess that is the important part; being able to recognize the obstacles currently surrounding you, and adjusting your pace to accommodate for them.