Confidence in One’s Abilities

I had three goals for this years Tiger Challenge. More of 3 priorities, even. In order, they were as follows 

1. I’ll compete in each of my events without withdrawing
2. I’ll be where I’m needed
3. Enjoy myself 

So with that said; I competed in my events, I was where I needed to be, and I didn’t cry, so I think I can write this year off as a roaring success. This was huge for two separate reasons. 

First was my performance (or lack thereof) last year. I competed in less than half of the events that I had signed up for before experiencing what my doctor surmised could have been a minor hypoglycaemic seizure. I has returned from my Ottawa training literally days before the tournament and to put it bluntly, that trip didn’t see a very healthy food-to-alcohol balance. I also didn’t eat that day and, in typical Simon fashion, pushed myself way too hard. On top of all that, I was dealing with worsening depression and anxiety along with the guilt and perceived isolation of feeling like I had to lie and hide it from the people who were closest to me at the time (I’m sorry).  A boiling point of long term depletion of glycogen and an onset of heavy physical and mental stress; it was too much for my mind and body to handle. I wanted to do better this year. I had to better this year. 

Or so I thought. 

The reality is, I was pretty much writing off the Tiger Challenge a couple months ago. I didn’t think it would be possible for me to compete, judge, or even breath if I was in that atmosphere. I felt like I was, once again, at rock bottom; how could I do better this year if I didn’t even have the motivation to try and be just okay, let alone better? One morning, several months ago, I came to the realization I had to do one of the following two things:

Make a simple list of goals to accomplish during the Tiger Challenge or plan an elaborate scheme which involved me conveniently being out of the country for the timeframe spanning the Tiger Challenge and the parade (because if I was missing one, I might as well go all in). Alas, I made the list (it took less planning) (Sifu Rybak was also consistently reminding me not to run away from Kung Fu). 

I actually put some thought into the list. Originally it was in reverse-order; enjoy myself then be where I’m needed then complete my events. And that was the plan up until like, literally 72 hours ago? I was so intent on hyping myself up to try and enjoy myself I feel like I lost sight of everything I gained leading up to the event. I was already enjoying myself again; the hours my fight choreo team spent on weekends and the time I spent after classes w Sihing Lindstrom were huge. I was laughing and having fun and I thought, why stress it? So I flipped priorities. 

I paced myself so I could do my events, and I went where I needed to be. I was super thankful for my opportunity to judge the level 2 adult events and about half of the black belt events. It gave me reassurance in my decision making abilities and confidence in who I am. This was the second big thing I gained. I felt a part of me I haven’t felt in, well, a long time. Not a part driven by a need for recognition or ego but more a part of me that’s happy just to be doing what I do. I’m so grateful. 

Tiring

The series of blogs I’ve been doing lately (the last two and the next couple) are focusing on my insecurities and other triggers, in an effort to identify and analyze them. My hope is to be able to use my blogs as a way to document what I am experiencing on the mats and how I am trying to overcome them, as well as opening the door for advice. They are very emotionally draining, though, and some may take me longer to write. This is a bit of a “break time” blog as I work on the next one. 

I really didn’t want to go to black belt class yesterday; I felt terrible and sick and just not okay. My cat and I took a nap at 5:30 (because I really wasn’t feeling like being awake and my cat wanted to cuddle so hey, two birds one stone), and I didn’t wake up until my dad called me at 7 asking if I was going to class with him. I said no. Eight minutes later I had dragged myself into the car. I made it to class and I took part in class, and I think that was pretty okay. I worry I didn’t retain what I needed to, but the fact that I still experienced it is better than the alternative. 

I’m thankful for the Tiger Challenge and for Sifu Rybaks ongoing support and encouragement because I probably wouldn’t have gone to class without them. My obligations to my partners really pushed me to show up, even if it wasn’t the easiest thing. I may need to find a new commitment once tiger challenge is over, but that’s a problem for later. My current goal is to submit my entry; I have tried thrice now to sign up but I can never seem to complete the application. I want to get that done by the end of today. 

I am also feeling a lot bit guilty over missing Tai Chi classes, but I am still focusing on my own practice and trying to get atleast 3 reps in during the week. I am working on my footwork and trying to apply what I have been given in previous parts.