pt1

I haven’t been okay lately. For a long time now, it’s been getting bad again. But this last month especially. It’s been hard. At Thursdays meeting, I thought it was interesting how, when discussing priorities, it was said that sometimes we have to prioritize staying alive. Interesting in the fact that I described my current state of affairs that way only a couple days prior. 

I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety. With lacking motivation to do anything and the apathy of not caring how I have been deteriorating. I have been fighting and burning very precious energy to try and do the basics. It has been a lesson in mindfulness, if I need to find a silver lining. There have been times in my life where I’ve wondered how someone can be so oblivious to their own health and perceived appearance. Now, I find myself having to battle to shower, to eat properly, to take meds, to wash my hair, brush my teeth, to drink water, to go to work, to respond to texts, to care about my productivity, to walk upstairs, to get out of bed, to plug my phone in at night, to clean my car, to fill my car with gas, the list goes on. 

I’ve been largely unable to do basic human activity 101. Like having to do these things has become an insurmountable wall. I’m scared because it isn’t going away. I’m scared because there’s a piece of me buried deep down that doesn’t seem to care about being better. Like all I’m doing is faking it until I one day make it. Like I’m putting on this appearance of trying to get better but there’s a part of me deep inside that doesn’t actually care if I do or not and I don’t know how to fix that? It’s talk for the counsellor, I guess. 

My ability to focus on Kung Fu has been very limited lately. I haven’t been to my classes in about a month; I don’t know how I can go. I don’t know where to find the energy at the end of my day to even log in. It feels like an extra pile of guilt on top of everything. I have to remind myself of my circumstances It circles around to priorities, again. Staying alive is number one right now. It seems like a pretty trivial pursuit of mastery, but as frustrating as it is, I am recognizing that sometimes yesterdays 3% is today 90%. 

As far as Kung Fu goes, I’m not in a great place. Clearly, I’m not in a great place, period. But my numbers and IHC commitment has been lacking lately, and I apologize. My approach to mastery right now is finding a way to build enough baseline that I can start finding a way to building my numbers and martial prowess. It feels like a real 20 steps back but I’m realizing this is a result of neglect and blind progression on my part.