Where Is My Oxygen?

Something I have found over the last month or so is that, the more intent and intensity I apply to a form, the more out of breath I am at the end. What I find weird is that I have been working on stamina and endurance a lot this year and these major oxygen troubles only seemed to just start. So why am I struggling when I should be at the best point I have been in a long time? As it turns out, the two are pretty unrelated.

Another thing I have been working on a lot this year is intent and using my personal intent to channel and maximize my intensity. I have made great leaps and bounds on this over the summer, and been working on applying my “research” to my forms now that I am back on the mats. This is where the problem arises.

It’s simple. It is actually so simple I was hesitant to blog about it at first because it is a little embarrassing. I have been so focused on channeling my intent that I have simply been forgetting to breath. It occurred to me during open training, when I was reflecting on a repetition of Lao Gar I had just done. Frustrated I was out of breath and trying to figure out why, I thought to myself “how many times did I actually breathe during that rep?”. With reflection, I am pretty sure I could have counted on one hand. 

Now, I’ve been trying to focus on my breathing without getting rid of my intent. To be honest, I don’t know how it is working out quite yet. With the reps we did in IHC tonight, I felt as though I was doing better, although I was breathing in very short lengths. Putting aside the energy that is required to do a form at high intensity, I still think I am not where I should be. Considering how happy I was with my breath control earlier this year, it is a humbling revelation. 

Unplugged

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to go about 10 days without my cellphone. And by “opportunity”, I mean it spontaneously stopped working on me and as I was in the last week of my contract at my job in Saskatchewan, I did not really have much opportunity to get it fixed right away. Here are some of my findings from the experience.

First, while I’ve always recognized how much time I wasted on social media, but I was always hesitant to delete it. Ultimately, I suppose you could consider it a form of FOMO. While I always ended up getting sucked down a rabbit hole of nothingness, I feared that I would miss out on life updates of friends and family who I do not talk to on a regular basis, but would still like to be in the know when things happens. Losing my phone made me realize how much free time I actually had, and how trivial some of these things are.

Something I noticed was that I always reached for my phone when I had the ability to do so. In the morning before getting out of bed, at night before getting in bed, while eating meals, waiting for my coworkers to run into the office to grab something, etc. If I wasn’t doing something, I wanted to look at my phone. Losing this ability gave me a lot of “where am I, what am I doing” opportunities.

Another thing I realized was how ultimately unnecessary my personal phone actually was. As I had my workphone on me (which I could essentially use to make calls and that was about it. So really, it basically served as a portable landline) I was able to contact my parents and let them know about what happened, and I was able to use my computer for everything else. While I did not have the convenience of being able to see emails or school updates as they came in, I could still monitor them several times a day with my computer. I still had the tools to survive my day-to-day professional and educational careers, and all I lost was a bit of convenience. Although, after I handed in my workphone, the drive home was probably one of the scariest drives I’ve ever done. I guess I’m lucky to be living in the age where I’ve always had a cellphone at the same time I’ve had a drivers licence.

Ultimately, I believe it was good for me. Once I got my phone replaced, I did not redownload my social medias. Life without it has been remarkably peaceful, I dare say. It has brought me much more down to earth, and has given me dozens of little opportunities to work on Kung Fu or school or other mandatory tasks that I previously had not even recognized.

Dark Places

    On my way home from class last night, I had a deer run in front of me out of nowhere. However, with the amount of moose and deer I have had to slam on the brakes for this summer, it did not phase me all too much. As I was catching my breath after hitting the brakes with enough force to send my possessions flying off the seat, I noticed a silhouette of a person just off the road, slightly illuminated by the headlights, only slightly in sight.

    While I am sure most would be caught off guard seeing a person right there, this triggered a mental health "episode" for me that I have not experienced, to this extreme, in several years. The moment I processed the shadow, I lost control of my breathing, my ears starting ringing, I began to sweat, and I ultimately lost total control of myself within only a few seconds. To be honest, I am not sure how long I sat there, unable to move and unable to look up. It was not until I began to catch my breath that it occurred to me that the shadow that sent me into such a tizzy was actually just a Halloween decoration placed on the edge of a driveway. 

    Between this realization and conducting the recovery methods I have come up with, I was able to tough out the short remainder of the drive home with no difficulty. Upon reflection after returning home, it occurred to me that I did not think something like this could even happen. I thought I had it totally conquered. I thought I was unbeatable. Delusion got the best of me once again. 

    While shaken that such an event could still happen, I am happy with my recovery time in comparison to what it once was. Maybe the fact that my trigger was simply a scarecrow had something to do with it, but I still believe it is a right proper road to mastery that I have made quite some headway on. And I definitely think I am going to keep to travelling with my brights on. No more surprises for me.

That's The Summer

    Well. Tomorrow is my last shift with this job and it will be pretty limited to cleaning and wrap-up, so its not like its a REAL shift, yknow? Anyways, my house is packed and in my car, and within 36 hours I'll be back on the road home. This summer has had a lot of takeaways for me (many I have already blogged about), and I am very content with how it turned out.

    On a side note, I am looking forward to what comes next. The next several months will be busy, to say the least. I am starting my next job, which is a federal enforcement position with Environment Canada out of Edmonton, at the start of October. My family will also happen to be moving from my childhood home into town at the start of October. I have mixed emotions regarding that, although I suppose that is to be expected with saying goodbye to the house I grew up in. 

    School is also really busy. Like, really busy. I write and I submit and I write and I submit and it feels like this huge wall I have not even began to come close to breaching. The hardest part is motivation; while this is a lot of school, it would be significantly easier if I was not working and using up all my energy elsewhere (obviously, right?).

    With these big things happening as my life turns a chapter, it is easy to get lost in all of the commotion. Yesterday, the stars were very bright. I spent quite some time watching them before bed, and I had a little realization as I gazed up into the vast emptiness of space. As overwhelming as everything may be, in the grand scheme of things, it will be okay. It will all work out.

    It reminded me of a quote my English teacher had in her classroom; "If everything does not seem okay, then you have not reached the end." That was something I really needed to hear, and my anxiety has slowly shifted into excitement.