Unstable

So, for a long while now, I've been at a state of mental instability. I can be doing anything, feeling on top of the world, and then it hits you like bullet. Out of nowhere, your stopped in your tracks. Your body is flooded with this feeling, one of despair and gloom. I try to escape from where ever I am when I feel this. I try to breathe. I shake it off. Then I jump back into whatever I was doing. And then it comes back, more crippling than the time before. I can't get past this feeling. It sits. Your body feels like lead. It's hard to move. And your brain is dumping negative thoughts everywhere. This process is what happened at class. At first, I got rough, so I went outside and tried to zone in. I came back In, but it wasn't the same. I stood at the back of the class. I felt like a fool. I just sat there flipping my kamas, trying to look like I knew what I was doing. Then the 2nd wave hit. I told mom, and I decided to try and get through the Dragon. But I couldn't put any emotion or energy into it. I could barely speak. When Sifu Lagner pointed something out for me to work on, I struggled getting the words out of my mouth to respond. When we finished with the Dragon, I was emotionally and mentally drained, I felt lost and didn't know what I was doing. I couldnt register things in my mind. The whole fist bump thing flew past me. I could just sit there with my fist out. Then I got in the change room. Everything went downhill. I was struggling to not burst in random tears. I packed everything as fast as I could and got outside with my head down. Then I got outside and realized: The van was locked. The keys were inside. And I was in no condition to head back in. I ended up collapsing onto the sidewalk. Then I lost it. I couldn't move much but hide my head in between my knees. I couldnt control my breathing. I could only sob. I was a mess. A wreck. (Thank you Sifu Vanderham for sitting there and helping). I really can't describe the feeling when any of this happens, but it's killing me. I just want it to go away. I want to be able to be happy again. That's the problem. I don't get happy often. So I've started learning to cherish the times I do. Like the potato bake. Or when someone makes me smile. It's those times that help me get through the day.  

That time of year

I was really quite excited for the pandamonium this year, as I had to miss last years, due to being out of town. I wasn't disappointed with the day. It was full of fun, excitement, activities, Kung Fu and awesomeness. Whether it was trying to occupy small children, doing forms on the mats, getting "kicked" into the dunk tank or running 10k at 10:00pm, I felt there was always something to do. I didn't get involved as much with the charities as I could have this year, and I'm am disappointed with myself for that. I feel I could have got connected more, and plan on getting more into the charities in the upcoming years. I'd also like to thank everyone who helped wake me up by hitting the target on the dunk tank. It was fairly refreshing and a good experience. Despite losing circulation in my fingers for half an hour. And nearly getting killed by anticipation. But other than that it was fun.

Trying to post again

Recently, I stopped posting. One Sunday I merely thought "Meh, I'll get to to it tomorrow." And that attitude carried of for a couple months. I've had plenty of great blogging opportunities I missed, and I'm working on getting back into it. I really want to be better at blogging than last year. That shouldn't have to be a goal though. Getting better than the person you were yesterday, or last week, or last month, or whenever, should be a daily habit. Whether you get better at Kung Fu or just a kinder person in general, the person who goes to bed better than the one who got out of it, they made use of their day. They changed their life for the better. I want to be that person.

Using it for the right reasons

Today the Kohut's started out with some chores around the house. While doing one of these chores, which involved digging through the closets and drawers of our rooms to find clothes that fit us, my brother and I came up with a clever little contraption that was basically a time bomb. But instead of an explosion, it sent little toys every where, which happen to be a pain in the rear end to clean up. The first time this little machine was used, was when Nate threw it into my room. It only had a few objects inside and didn't go off that well. I made adjustments to the contents, which proved to be effective, as it took him several minutes to collect the little scattered peices. This was contiued, caused fighting and chaos, led to creation of more "weapons" (one of mine, which I'm quite particularly proud of, contains the wrappers of Easter candy, shredded into a bottle. It's still my secret weapon, as Nate doesnt know what I've made)
Now, the cut of the jib. We, two brothers, bundling with creativity, used it to make each other's lives harder. What if we used it for something more...useful. We could be coming up with ways to make pandemonium money or raise awareness, but today we spent it coming up with ways to irritate each other. Honestly, our sister is the only one who avoids these conflicts, but that must be because her rooms upstairs. Right? Something I now realize I have to work on, even though throughout the years teachers and parents alike having said "Start using your creativity to its full potential", I now know I have my work cut out. Finding out how to make world peace? Not there yet. Finding ways to help with my community and what's around me? Let's get started.

What a year can do to you

So, Spring Break has arrived. Hooray! With that is a houseful of family, so it's probably best I post now. Tonight, I can't put it in words how happy I felt. Everyone showed the progress they had made in the little time we've had so far, and everything was great. I decided not to put my fancy releases at the end in my 1.0, as they have not reached performance level, but they are definitely the focus of the 2.0. I'm personally excited for the demo, as the amount of energy that it produces from its participants is breathtaking... It's got to be one of my favorite parts. Performing in front of a crowd can be difficult though, and it wasn't till today, before class, I noticed something. Correction, Someone helped me notice something. Now, I don't remember the whole conversation, so Mr. Regier, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but as everyone sat outside, waiting for the black belts to finish their class, we were talking and the conversation about performing the version one was brought up. I asked if he was ready, and his reply was "Well, I guess I'm nervous. Aren't you?" And it was then that it dawned on me, that, despite of the small feeling of what's going to happen, I didn't get the stage fright, nervousness or anxiety I had last year. To say, last year I was holding a wooden sword which wasn't moving in my hand at all, and I almost dropped it. This year, I had 2 little hollow aluminum weapons that I was flipping in my hands (plus they are slippery to start with, don't get me started on when they get wet.) yet I felt more confident about not dropping them. It must have been the Chinese New Year performance that got rid of those "anti-performance" feelings😜

Itching to get out

So, my family started Spring cleaning today, meaning..... SPRING!!! This is one of my favorite seasons, as it ends a good winter, and starts a great summer. Besides the whole cleaning part, Spring is like the bearer of good news to me. The birds are out, the bugs aren't, the trees are budding, the grass is turning green, the snow is melting, and I get to go outside more often. I haven't used our yard to its maximum Kung Fu benefit in the past, and I want to change that this year. My Kama's will basically be outside most of the time they're in use. I'm am, to say, paranoid, of accidentally dropping my these little weapons. Inside our house, I fear I'll be throwing them or accidentally dropping them and breaking one of the many things that have worked their way into the Kung Fu area, yet some of the only places outside with no snow are driveways or sidewalks, where if I drop my kama's, I'm scared they'll break. So thank you, my yard, for no roofs and breakable things, and soft landing spots for my little buddies. Hope everyone's excited for the season as me😁

What goes flying up...

So far, I feel that everything is coming along nicely in my form. Sort of. I got through what I had, and realized, this is too short for a 1.0, I have to get in a couple more moves. The problem? I ran out of ideas on how to use little pointy hooks of doom. I must have gotten advice from at least 10 different people, ranging from parents to sifus. Finally, I got my form a couple more steps ahead, and I thought, okay, now time for a fabulous ending. And, once again, my creative juices stopped flowing. It took three days to come up with a good ending. And I didn't even come up with it myself, I saw it in a video. Now, the thing is, this "final move" is rather complex, and was preformed by a man who has been practicing kama's for his whole life. But hey, I saw it on tv, I can pull it off, somehow. This move requires having both kama's in one hand, throwing them up in a spinning arc, and then catching them individually in each hand. Without losing your hand. I have started and been practicing this move, and I can guarentee that in the year, what goes flying up... will be caught by Simon.

Frustration

So, I haven't been to an IHC class since before the banquet. The first class after the banquet I had just recovered from a fever, and my parents told me no school no kung fu. I missed Monday-Wednesday, so I missed kung fu. Thursday, though, I got sucked it up, went to school, thinking "Kung fu tonight, Kung fu tonight, Kung fu tonight!" All day. I was so excited to see everyone with their new weapons, and then, my parents told me I should stay home. I put up a fight, was a rotten child, whined a bit, but I still couldn't go, as I was sick. I started to get frustrated. I went through school, I got better, I was fine, yet I was restricted by wiser folk who know more about what you should and shouldn't do when your sick than I do. So I missed kung fu, and a cranky Simon went to bed.

I went to class Monday and Wednesday this week, and it felt great. Now, all week, in my head, I was getting excited for IHC Thursday. I couldn't wait. I knew after school Thursday would be tight, as I had a running practice from 2:30-3:30, a haircut in the city from 4:30-6:00, an open house welcome thing at the highschool from 7:00 to when ever, then kung fu from 8:30 - 9:30. I was sure I could get to everything. But throughout the whole open house, I was checking the time, and I felt I rushed some areas that I should have looked around more into. Even with my high speed go-through, we finished late. I was greatly dissapointed by not going to kung fu, I was in my shut down mode I mentioned in my last blog. Learning to control my attitude when I'm frustrated is another one of the many things I have to work on. All in all, I'm that much more excited for next week IHC. And crossing my fingers nothing gets in my way this time.

Shutting down

This past weekend, dad started working with me on driving. Now, he was a paramedic for quite some time and knows how to drive quite responsibly. One of the first rules he told me was "If I say you're doing something wrong, listen to me and fix it." Easier said then done. The moments you get into a situation, your brain kicks into panic mode, shuts everything that's around you, out. You forget what you were told, the warnings given. You shut down. This is one of the things I struggle with most. Preventing shut downs. Driving has highlighted this greatly. When in a crisis, I love love love to shut down and "give up", in a sense. I'm working against this, and it's been proven to be more difficult than expected. But what's worse than shutting down, is that when I do shut down, I start to stop caring, I almost entirely give up, as I'm afraid of shutting down again, knowing it can hurt me or someone else. These reasons put together give me reasons to strive on overcoming this habit, and I hope it's something I can overcome throughout the year.

Feeling Lost

Firstly, congrats to Sifu Krebs, Sifu Vanderham, Sifu Csillag and Sifu Fuhr. You guys did great and truly deserve it. To top that off, this was my favourite Chinese New Year of all time. Working with the Sheep team one last time truly made me happy. Previously in the week, Sifu Brinker stated that after we got through everything, we would feel lost for a little bit. At the time, I didn't understand what he meant. How could someone feel "lost" after performing the performance they've been practicing forever on? News flash. I get what he was saying now. I feel lost and confused, as though my brain had been reset. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to feel. Starting in the year of the monkey, you wonder how it will go, with some of the people leaving, even though they felt like family. But as you lose some, you gain others, who will impact your life just as much. Another thing that's left me "lost" or on reset mode was the change of weapon. Even though I love the kama's a lot, having a sword in my hand feels natural. It feels right. All the change is a lot to take in, but once you get used to it, all's well. Till next year, when we have to go through it all again, but hey, that's a year away, right?

The Big Picture

I want to start this post off by saying Happy Family Day to everyone and a late Valentines as well. Anyway, this family day got me thinking. What would my life look like without the exact family I have? It made me realize that, even despite the rather annoying siblings, my life is perfect with the family I have, and the friends that go with it. And I am greatfull for this. And then you come to realize the big picture, how life is just like a big, big, BIG Tetras game. Every move you make at one point results in either some sort of failure or success a little ways down the road. So many little events and decisions contribute to a big outcome, which contribute to a bigger outcome, and so on and so forth. Growing up, for example. If you get raised in a house of violence, abuse, swearing, etc, you're life will be different then if you grow up in a calm, collected, peaceful household. One person will be aggressive, get into more fights, be a reckless person in general, whilst the other has a better chance of keeping a cool head and a controlled temper, to say. You have to surround yourself in the environment you want to be like. For me, that environment is the Kwoon and people that go with it.

Year of the Sheep

Now, first thing looking back into the Year of the Sheep, and regretting, was not blogging enough. I blogged only a few times this year, without any good reason. I just kept saying "Let's do it tomorrow." But, I also have been looking back at the good times of the year, and everything I gained from it. One of the big things is teamwork. I haven't really been on any team sports, or worked as a team for anything really. Being on the dragon team opened my eyes to how important it is to do your part properly, and more importantly, safely. If you do something wrong, you could trip someome one or sending them flying around the corner. Another thing about teamwork is communicating with your partner(s). One good example? The demo. If you go on with someone but neither of you say "I want that square" and you guys just go on, and your partner starts swinging around their weapon, you'll be a Kung-fu-kabob. But all in all, I think the most important part was the people. It's becomes a family. A very big family. With rather potentially dangerous members. And a lion. And a dragon.