Proper Frustration?

The tiger challenge was fun today. Tiring for sure, but overall a fun experience. I enjoyed the judging opportunities I was provided, and it made for great learning chances. 

I am a little disappointed that I was not able to finish my events, however. There’s a sense of guilt and gnawing frustration that I didn’t keep pushing myself, that I didn’t force myself to get up and keep going. I think withdrawing for the second half of events was the reasonable and responsible decision (and feasibly, I recognize that it was probably the only decision and I didn’t even have to make it for myself). Continuing to push on (especially into continuous sparring) would have most likely put both myself and my opponent at risk. 

Despite this, there’s that twinge of lingering frustration. How could it have turned out different. What could I have done better. What paths existed that would have allowed me to continuing competing in other events. Once home, my parents did some checks and concluded that my temperature was high and my blood sugars were low, so obviously I have to take that into account. Next tournament, I’m going to put 10 sugar cubes into a bottle of DayQuil and chug it as a preventive measure (I jest. It’ll only be 5 sugar cubes). 

I guess what I’m trying to say, at the end of it all, is that it feels like I could have prevented my crash. Or maybe that I should have been able to. That it happened as a result of negligence somewhere along the path of mastery. That I should have been able to handle the fatigue and soaring heart rate, that it wouldn’t cause me to start hyperventilating and losing sensation in my hands and feet, and that wouldn’t cause me to have a panic attack and consistently repeat the process. That maybe there was an issue I could have identified sooner. What if I had my panic attack meds? 

Even though all of these what-ifs are kicking around, I am trying to remain positive and not let them damper the entire experience. I still believe I performed well during the first half, despite many hiccups. I’m happy with the performance of my weapons form most of all. My sword form is one that has evolved and grown a lot over the last 16 months and I am beyond pleased to continue developing it. 

Bring It Back

I got home from Ottawa on Friday night. Hooray! To be completely honest, I didn’t handle Ottawa half as well as I thought I would. It completely tanked both my mental health and my motivation. My numbers have fallen behind, as have my personal requirements and general “Kung Fu Habits”, such as class attendance and blogging routine. 

To be entirely honest, I’m a little worried. I have a terrible habit of not being able to restore lost momentum. With that said, I have hopes that being back in the flesh will help restore my motivation. 

To be more accurate, I’m hoping that the return of my routine and element will help improve my mental health, which will in turn help with my motivation. Obviously, I recognize that simply hoping life will be better won’t accomplish anything. I need to take extra effort to try and restore what I lost. 

Speaking of lost, I’m feeling lost? It’s as though my vision is clouded- as though I’m not really sure what I’m working towards at the moment. I think this loss of direction is also a contributing factor to my loss of motivation. I’m trying to focus on the journey and not the destination, but I’m struggling to appreciate the journey when I’m not quite sure what the destination is? Overall, there’s a lot of twist emotions I think I’m experiencing. 

I’m still having technical difficulties with my number logging- I’m hoping to have another blog out this week where I can figure out said difficulties and post them there. 

One More Excuse

I’ve been having issues with my blogger lately. Stuff hasn’t been coming out right, fonts been messed up, all sorts of things. I really have to take a step back and work on my blogs from the ground up too, I think. Formatting, content, all of that. It’s been tricky for me lately. 

I plan on doing another post about motivation soon, but I think this one is a pretty good prerequisite. Right now, my issues with blogger have been just another excuse for me not to blog. It piles onto “I’m not motivated, my numbers aren’t great, I want to ignore the problem, yada yada yada”. All poor excuses, really. And yet it gets the best of me.

Of course, here’s a blog, so clearly I’m still in the ring and fighting as much as I can be. It goes to show how different things can become. In the past, I tried to convince myself that one more excuse was one more reason to avoid doing something when in fact, it was just one more excuse. Really, it has begun to become the opposite. One more excuse has instead become one more reason to do better.

Given the format of my blogger and my numbers, I am going to try and post them with another blog tomorrow once I have access to a computer, as I do not have much ability to check them from my phone.  

Too much of a Good Thing

During my current training in Ottawa, I have been doing full days of self defense training. This has included full days of kicks, strikes, wrist locks, takedowns, grappling, etc. I like this stuff. I have fun with it. It’s my thing. And the instructors have realized this is my thing and that I do not need the same amount of exposure as others (and that my joints are super bendy, making me a good partner for figuring out proper technique). As a result, I end up as the punching bag far more often. So how am I doing?

Sure, I am still trying to have fun. But the concept of moderation rings as true in this circumstance as it does in any other. I am far more bruised now than I ever have been over the last many years. I stretch about 1.5 hours a day and I am still struggling with stiffness (Nigel, am I overdoing it? I don’t even know). Sure, this sort of stuff is my thing. But it is hard to stay positive about it when you do it for 8 hours a day, several days in a row. It catches up. 

Overall, a lot of my numbers have fallen behind, but my sparring reps and stretching have taken a pretty big boost, so I am still somewhat in the game. 

Numbers

Situps: 8790 / 50000

Pushups: 11420 / 50000

AoK: 347 / 1000

Katana: 143 / 1000

Sword Spear: 179 / 1000

Sparring: 224 / 1000

Distance (km): 208.75 / 1609

Blogs: 10

Personal

Tai Chi (reps): 46 / 250

Tai Chi (unexcused absences): 0 / 0

Stretching (hrs): 32.75 / 150

MMCs: 1 / 10

Ski Trips: 1 / 4

Volunteering: 0 / 3

still here

Hey team, still alive. Got lots to write about but not a lot of energy, motivation, or time, so it’ll come at another day. It’s been a long couple weeks, and I haven’t adjusted very well to Ottawa life yet. Cheers for the weekend. Since I don’t have anything to post, here’s my numbers 

Numbers

Situps: 8390 / 50000

Pushups: 10970 / 50000

AoK: 302 / 1000

Katana: 136 / 1000

Sword Spear: 176 / 1000

Sparring: 144 / 1000

Distance (km): 196.75 / 1609

Blogs: 9

Personal

Tai Chi (reps): 46 / 250

Tai Chi (unexcused absences): 0 / 0

Stretching (hrs): 22.75 / 150

MMCs: 1 / 10

Ski Trips: 1 / 4

Volunteering: 0 / 3

Trajectory

“Trajectory” was a word used frequently during the last 2nd degree class. It is very easy for me to become disillusioned with the day-to-day results (or lack of results) when trying to measure my progress. As mentioned in previous posts, progress is something that terrifies me. Progress is bigger than me. Progress is merciless in showing you the fruit of your effort. For some, it can be the greatest motivator. For others, it can cripple. Regardless of what observing progress does for you as an individual, it does not change the fact that it is inevitable. To put it remarkably bluntly, nothing ever remains constant. As such, if you do not progress forwards, you may end up progressing backwards. 

I do not like seeing my progress. Do not get me wrong; I still value it. I value what I learn from observing my progress. But I do not like simply observing it. I fail to see the progress itself, and get stuck on the “it could have been better”. However, using the concept of trajectory forces me to see the bigger picture. It connects each of my dots, you could say. When I observe my numbers and videos of my forms, I observe them as simple “data points”. Snapshots in time, if you will. I was there, and now I am here. But why am I not over here? What did I do wrong? 

By connecting those dots and following my trajectory, it not only allows me to see where I came from but it also allows me to see where I am going (should I continue to train and study the way I currently am). By visualizing the actual movement of my progress, by seeing the direction I am moving in, I can overcome the “why am I not at this point” feelings. Why? Because my trajectory shows me that those points are still on the path ahead. 

Numbers are in yesterday's post; as everything I just said is a work in progress, I am still aiming to look at my total numbers roughly only once a week, for personal reasons.  

Creation and Presentation

Beta form day is something I enjoy. It’s complicated to describe; even though I get nervous, it doesn’t affect me the same way it used to. I think this is because I have gotten into the habit of simply doing my forms the way I have practiced, instead of trying to present (although I suppose that’s the whole point, huh?). After all, the beta form is a chance to show off your hard work, not your finished product. That said, I have always been in the habit of trying to reach the point that, by beta, I am showing off something closer to a “finished product” form as opposed to the accumulation of hard work. 

I am enjoying my spear form. However, I have definitely been limited with my creative freedom. At present, I feel like ~80% of the form has been directly adapted from either the school spear form or from the Wudang monk spade form. I initially chose the spear because I believe there is a lot I can do with it in terms of originality and creativity. However, the spear I bought is not the spear I intended to do and as such, I have definitely had to change my process a little bit. I struggle with heavy weapons; they do not work the way I want them to. In fact, the only weapon form I had to learn from someone else as opposed to creating myself was the monk spade- after toying with it for a few weeks, I realized I was lacking creative flow and decided to take Sihing Beckett up on her offer to learn the Wudang form. 

Ultimately, I have found myself in the same boat with this heavy sword-spear. While I have not been able to generate the same originality I would have liked, I am not disappointed with my experience. To be entirely honest, I do not recall the monk spade form in its entirety anymore. However, as I progress my spear form, I find myself in positions where muscle memory kicks in, and I rediscover a part of the monk spade form I had previously forgotten. This has brought me to the point where, with a little bit of guidance, I believe I have the ability to piece together the whole of the monk spade form again. Being able to help Sidai S Csillag learn the school spear form has also helped me; while I have always been able to retain the school spear form and have taught it to others before, teaching it while working on my own spear form has managed to connect several dots for me that I didn't know had even existed. 

Regarding my katana form, I am also pleased with it. I decided to continue working on the form I created last year; this is ultimately because one year did not feel sufficient enough in coming close to mastery. The katana is a popular weapon in pop culture, media, and society. That provides me with lots of inspiration and instruction, as well as the motivation to keep pushing to become better with it. The katana is also the weapon that manifests itself closest to my personal style and as such, I believe I gain a lot out of it. 

Teaching it is also beneficial. I have never taught one of my personal forms before and by teaching this one to Toudai Csillag, it has opened up whole new layers of the form I had completely overlooked. Metaphorically, it has allowed me to sharpen and clarify a blurry picture. What I mean by that is such; my form relies a lot on my visualizations manifesting into my intent. By keeping my visualizations as consistent as possible, I can keep my intent as consistent as possible. However, I am not perfect. There are many instances in my form where the specific move I do changes with every reputation, depending on my intent in that given second. Left foot vs right foot forwards, pull the sword in front vs to the hip, does my hand switch grips or not, stuff like that.

These little “inconsistencies” are not something I was opposed to. And while I am still not entirely opposed to them, I do not believe they embody the purpose of a form. With that said, recognizing these inconsistent moves and finalizing what they should be has actually allowed me to gain a better understanding of my intent. I do not know if this is something that would have occurred if I was not teaching the form to someone else. Because of this, I am grateful. You know what they say; the best way to learn something is to teach it. Who knew this applied to something you created yourself?

The last point to bring up is that I have begun doing reps of my form with my live blade (carefully, of course). This has provided me with a whole new respect for the weapon. I have moves I never thought twice about while using my practice blades that I have had to slow down and relearn with renewed precision. The increased weight has shown me both the impracticality and practicality of certain moves, and overall it has allowed me to increase my overall ability. 

Long story short? I am pleased with both of my forms and their progress. 

Numbers

Situps: 3940 / 50000

Pushups: 5170 / 50000

AoK: 168 / 1000

Katana: 71 / 1000

Sword Spear: 88 / 1000

Sparring: 66 / 1000

Distance (km): 102.75 / 1609

Blogs: 8

Personal

Tai Chi (reps): 24 / 250

Tai Chi (unexcused absences): 0 / 0

Stretching (hrs): 16.75 / 150

MMCs: 1 / 10

Ski Trips: 1 / 4

Volunteering: 0 / 3