Unstable

So, for a long while now, I've been at a state of mental instability. I can be doing anything, feeling on top of the world, and then it hits you like bullet. Out of nowhere, your stopped in your tracks. Your body is flooded with this feeling, one of despair and gloom. I try to escape from where ever I am when I feel this. I try to breathe. I shake it off. Then I jump back into whatever I was doing. And then it comes back, more crippling than the time before. I can't get past this feeling. It sits. Your body feels like lead. It's hard to move. And your brain is dumping negative thoughts everywhere. This process is what happened at class. At first, I got rough, so I went outside and tried to zone in. I came back In, but it wasn't the same. I stood at the back of the class. I felt like a fool. I just sat there flipping my kamas, trying to look like I knew what I was doing. Then the 2nd wave hit. I told mom, and I decided to try and get through the Dragon. But I couldn't put any emotion or energy into it. I could barely speak. When Sifu Lagner pointed something out for me to work on, I struggled getting the words out of my mouth to respond. When we finished with the Dragon, I was emotionally and mentally drained, I felt lost and didn't know what I was doing. I couldnt register things in my mind. The whole fist bump thing flew past me. I could just sit there with my fist out. Then I got in the change room. Everything went downhill. I was struggling to not burst in random tears. I packed everything as fast as I could and got outside with my head down. Then I got outside and realized: The van was locked. The keys were inside. And I was in no condition to head back in. I ended up collapsing onto the sidewalk. Then I lost it. I couldn't move much but hide my head in between my knees. I couldnt control my breathing. I could only sob. I was a mess. A wreck. (Thank you Sifu Vanderham for sitting there and helping). I really can't describe the feeling when any of this happens, but it's killing me. I just want it to go away. I want to be able to be happy again. That's the problem. I don't get happy often. So I've started learning to cherish the times I do. Like the potato bake. Or when someone makes me smile. It's those times that help me get through the day.